What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby? Maybe we'll never know. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Selling to people who actually want to hear from you is more effective than interrupting strangers who don't. — Seth Godin Copy Share Image
Some of the best people with whom you can have a relationship are the people who challenge your thinking. — T. D. Jakes Copy Share Image
Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is, we both like to spread our… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you do The Work, you see who you are by seeing who you think other people are. Eventually you come to… — Byron Katie Copy Share Image
A new world will be won not by those who stand at a distance with their arms folded, but by those who… — Nelson Mandela Copy Share Image
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like "Hey, when are you going to pay… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you realize that no one really knows what they are doing and that everyone is doing the best they can according… — Carl Sagan Copy Share Image
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Nothing is more seductive for a man than his freedom of conscience, but nothing is a greater cause of suffering. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“On a date, you shared your deep thoughts with each other, but not that deep. We were eating sandwiches, for God's sake.” — Jennifer Echols Copy Share Image
The Answer to the Great Question... Of Life, the Universe and Everything... Is... Forty-two,' said Deep Thought, with infinite majesty and calm. — Douglas Adams Copy Share Image
When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It is most often not our strengths, our courage or our successes that bring two human hearts together, but it is often… — Stefanie Schneider Copy Share Image
She avoids deep thought like an empty restaurant, not out of stupidity, but a canny resolve to be happy. — Alex Shakar Copy Share Image
Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I was already into deep, because when I thought of you, of your voice, your hypnotic eyes, I wanted nothing more than… — Twilight Ryaj Ablando Catayas Copy Share Image
Up to now, America has not been a good milieu for the rise of a mass movement. What starts out here as… — Eric Hoffer Copy Share Image
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting! — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
“I love you, just a little, as little as a single drop of water that contains the entire essence of the ocean.” — Malak El Halabi Copy Share Image
I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I never knew an early-rising, hard-working, prudent man, careful of his earnings, and strictly honest who complained of bad luck. — Henry Ward Beecher Copy Share Image
If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and how much of it is just… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Skeptical scrutiny is the means, in both science and religion, by which deep thoughts can be winnowed from deep nonsense. — Carl Sagan Copy Share Image
How easy it is to forgive and loose the most violent offender, when in tears, they repent. How difficult it is forgiving… — Stefanie Schneider Copy Share Image
There are two types of poor people, those who are poor together and those who are poor alone. The first are the… — Jean-Paul Sartre Copy Share Image
I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
