I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those really high notes, I bet you can really see it… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
As you breath right now, another person takes their last. So Stop Complaining, and Learn to Live your Life with what you… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
Every time you quit, someone else gets your prize. Every time you make a mistake, you get closer to yours. — Robert Kiyosaki Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Whenever anyone says "I can't," it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by about ten thousand bees. When he says… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this: Wait until no… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
“When I have too much information or too many choices, I often get confused. • When one wants to encourage another to… — Dr. Dennis Cogswell Copy Share Image
You can never become a great man or woman until you have overcome anxiety, worry, and fear. It is impossible for an… — Wallace D. Wattles Copy Share Image
I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
“I'm full of shit. I'm never myself. I've got a Southern accent around the oldsters; I'm a nerd for graphs and deep… — John Green Copy Share Image
Sydney had been horrified to discover my home library consisted of a bartending dictionary and an old copy of Esquire, and at… — Richelle Mead Copy Share Image
I don't know what I feel about wearing my furs anymore. I worked so hard to have a fur coat, and I… — Diana Ross Copy Share Image
Pour some water into a tub and stir it up. Now try as hard as you can to calm the water with… — Koichi Tohei Copy Share Image
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, the gathered together one evening, slapped… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The things you have that money won't buy are the things that will enable you to get more of the things that… — Zig Ziglar Copy Share Image
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it.… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over the ground and then let… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When I was young I would ask everybody what life was about. Now it's clear to me that the image of each… — Stefanie Schneider Copy Share Image
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If you start embracing life's storms instead of hiding away from them, you'll stop fearing them all together; it is this way… — Stefanie Schneider Copy Share Image
It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Often, the most extraordinary opportunities are hidden among the seemingly insignificant events of life. If we do not pay attention to these… — Jim Rohn Copy Share Image
After a lifetime of deep thought, I've decided that life is a distraction, but probably not from anything important. — Robert Breault Copy Share Image
“while the modern, human animal is capable of deep thought and, like its mammalian forebears, can nurture and play, it also is… — Edwin H Friedman Copy Share Image
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Civilization has made man, if not always more bloodthirsty, at least more viciously, more horribly bloodthirsty. — Fyodor Dostoevsky Copy Share Image
