20 Seconds Quotes by Greg Fitzsimmons

Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house…

— Greg Fitzsimmons

I knew that drinking and doing stand-up was going to make me less of an effective comedian. And I just had a lot invested…

— Greg Fitzsimmons

The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

— Greg Fitzsimmons

The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks.

— Greg Fitzsimmons

I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what…

— Greg Fitzsimmons

They say no one knows if we all see red the same way. Except traffic cops.

— Greg Fitzsimmons

I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne.

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Trickle-down economics - it didn't work. The whole idea was supply-side economics: give rich people a lot of money; they'll spend it, it'll go…

— Greg Fitzsimmons

When a banana gets rotten people love to tell you that you can make banana bread out of it. I have never seen anyone…

— Greg Fitzsimmons

My dad was in radio; he was a broadcaster, and it was in the family. He hosted kind of a game show at one…

— Greg Fitzsimmons

I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.

— Greg Fitzsimmons

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

— Greg Fitzsimmons

If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

— Greg Fitzsimmons

If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married.

— Greg Fitzsimmons

My friend goes, 'If you're going to use Rogaine, just put it somewhere you're going to remember to use it everyday.' So I put…

— Greg Fitzsimmons