Lewis Black

Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit.

— Lewis Black

When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's…

— Lewis Black

We have a two-party system: The Democratic Party, which is a party of no ideas, and the Republican Party, which is a…

— Lewis Black

If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of…

— Lewis Black

Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.

— Lewis Black

I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo.

— Lewis Black

This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a…

— Lewis Black

When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip.

— Lewis Black

“Jerry Falwell said that the reason that September 11th happened, the reason that God allowed it to happen, was because of certain…

— Lewis Black

It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was wrong now wasn't I?…

— Lewis Black

My parents were married for sixty-five years, and I was married for about ten minutes, my first year at Yale Drama School.…

— Lewis Black

It's 'Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, except there's just one degree, and Kevin Bacon is Hitler. Can I play? Let's see. Mother…

— Lewis Black

You are an adult, and you can dress up whenever you want to. You don't need permission anymore! If you wake up…

— Lewis Black

“Anybody who likes writing a book is an idiot. Because it's impossible, it's like having a homework assignment every stinking day until…

— Lewis Black

One of the most important things, especially when you're leaving school, is to realize you're going to be dealing with a lot…

— Lewis Black

In Vegas, you have an audience you can't find anywhere else. It's from all over the country. You play Seattle, everyone's from…

— Lewis Black

Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math!

— Lewis Black

Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder.…

— Lewis Black

If somebody tries to tell me the earth was created in 7 days I take a fossil and say "FOSSIL". If he…

— Lewis Black

What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.

— Lewis Black

Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after…

— Lewis Black

If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt…

— Lewis Black

The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless.

— Lewis Black

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes…

— Lewis Black

Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.

— Lewis Black

If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that…

— Lewis Black

I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I…

— Lewis Black

I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.

— Lewis Black

When you're done [with writing a book], people tell you "Well, gee, I'm not interested." "Great, I'm glad I sat down and…

— Lewis Black

This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who…

— Lewis Black

How long can we go without real leadership? It's like an experiment. It's [a problem with] both parties, it's beyond belief.

— Lewis Black

I had an iPhone and a Droid and both of them were miserable pieces of equipment.

— Lewis Black

I've always been a social network retard, even before there was a social network. People would say, "You want to go to…

— Lewis Black

The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope.

— Lewis Black

I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes…

— Lewis Black

I do like Guinness, I have to say, because you feel like you're eating something.

— Lewis Black

I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that…

— Lewis Black

I don't know if watching Chaz Bono will turn your kids into transsexuals, but I'm pretty sure that letting them watch Keith…

— Lewis Black

You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of…

— Lewis Black

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

— Lewis Black