Jerry Seinfeld

I was the best man at the wedding... If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

— Jerry Seinfeld

Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex.

— Jerry Seinfeld

If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

— Jerry Seinfeld

Most people, you do a TV series, it ends three, four, five years later; it's a relic,

— Jerry Seinfeld

Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.

— Jerry Seinfeld

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

— Jerry Seinfeld

The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.

— Jerry Seinfeld

The only way a show works is you find people who you think are qualified and talented and you give them a…

— Jerry Seinfeld

I hate the waiting room. Because it's called the waiting room, there's no chance of not waiting. It's built, designed, and intended…

— Jerry Seinfeld

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign…

— Jerry Seinfeld

The truth is, the family is much more creatively nourishing because you're playing on a full keyboard. Whereas when you're single, you're…

— Jerry Seinfeld

Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own,…

— Jerry Seinfeld

I miss being on the stage with the gang, you know, and we would make up stuff sometimes and laugh and I…

— Jerry Seinfeld

I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to…

— Jerry Seinfeld

Sometimes they'll make little Play-Doh animals, and when they go to sleep, I'll break the heads off the animals and put them…

— Jerry Seinfeld

Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. That means that at a funeral, the average…

— Jerry Seinfeld

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

— Jerry Seinfeld

After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that.

— Jerry Seinfeld

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.

— Jerry Seinfeld

Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

— Jerry Seinfeld

You know how your charger for your phone? It's like if you had a charger for your whole body and mind

— Jerry Seinfeld

A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence.

— Jerry Seinfeld

If people would only *Look to the Cookie* - all our problems would be solved

— Jerry Seinfeld

Fatherhood makes you cute. Women find bumbling fathers cute and attractive.

— Jerry Seinfeld

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of…

— Jerry Seinfeld

Sometimes I think more creativity is put into muffin recipes than into the rest of society combined.

— Jerry Seinfeld

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

— Jerry Seinfeld

I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit…

— Jerry Seinfeld

Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.

— Jerry Seinfeld

You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride…

— Jerry Seinfeld

All magic is 'Here’s a quarter, now it’s gone. You’re a jerk. Now it’s back. You’re an idiot. Show’s over.'

— Jerry Seinfeld

It takes up enough of my time and interest just working on comedy. I just enjoy it and love doing it.

— Jerry Seinfeld

The less you know about a field, the better your odds. Dumb boldness is the best way to approach a new challenge.

— Jerry Seinfeld

Everything is in how you are going to handle it. As a lifelong nightclub comic, I'm ready to handle whatever I have…

— Jerry Seinfeld

The peak of being a fan is a hotdog and a beer and a seat at the game. There's nothing above that.…

— Jerry Seinfeld

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit…

— Jerry Seinfeld

Having a 2 year old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for.

— Jerry Seinfeld

The hardest thing in comedy is to have the biggest laugh at the end, and it’s the most satisfying thing.

— Jerry Seinfeld

There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.

— Jerry Seinfeld

Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.

— Jerry Seinfeld