Helen Fielding

You'll never get a boyfriend if you look like you wandered out of Auschwitz.

— Helen Fielding

“HARHARBLOODY HAR. Put that in your pipe hole and smoke it, society!”

— Helen Fielding

“Am going to cook shepherd's pie for them all - British home cooking.”

— Helen Fielding

Don't say 'what,' say 'pardon,' darling, and do as your mother tells you.

— Helen Fielding

Oh God, what's wrong with me? Why does nothing ever work out?

— Helen Fielding

I will not Drink more than fourteen alcohol units a week.

— Helen Fielding

No one is thinking about you. They're thinking about themselves, just like you.

— Helen Fielding

“Why does turning on a TV these days require three remotes with ninety buttons? Why?”

— Helen Fielding

“I know we're all psychotic, single and completely dysfunctional and it's all done over the phone,' Tom slurred sentimentally, 'but it's a…

— Helen Fielding

I've had a lot of books rejected in my time. My first novel, which didn't get published, was, with hindsight, crashingly dull.

— Helen Fielding

..we were always taught, instead of waiting to be swept off our feet, to 'expect little, forgive much'.

— Helen Fielding

Though with Bridget Jones's Baby: the Diaries, I'd like to make it clear that I did not ever get pregnant by two…

— Helen Fielding

“Decided to have a cappuccino and chocolate croissants on way to work to cheer self up. Do not care about figure. Is…

— Helen Fielding

It's rather fun writing a female spy, because she has so much more kit. Bond never carried a hair dryer or a…

— Helen Fielding

It is a truth universally acknowledged that as soon as one part of your life starts looking up, another falls to pieces.

— Helen Fielding

“I mean, I haven't rushed to the answerphone once to see if anyone's aware of my existence in the world!”

— Helen Fielding

“Funny how at twenty-five you worry about not being taken seriously and take being a sex object for granted. Later you take…

— Helen Fielding

Can officially confirm that the way to a man's heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character,…

— Helen Fielding

In terms of myself, my next big plan is to loose 7llb (as I've been planning to do since I was seventeen)…

— Helen Fielding

I think that when you're writing fiction what you're doing is reflecting life as you see it, and putting down how you…

— Helen Fielding

I like L.A. It's like a mini break. For a writer, it's hilarious. Like the food. Where I come from, we eat…

— Helen Fielding

“On the night bus, I felt as though parts of other people were going into parts of me I didn’t even know…

— Helen Fielding

I'd been working on the [Bridget Jones's Baby: The Diaries material] for years, first, in the Independent newspaper columns and then in…

— Helen Fielding

9p.m. My flat. Feel very strange and empty. Is all very well thinking everything is going to be different when you come…

— Helen Fielding

It's amazing how much time and money can be saved in the world of dating by close attention to detail. A white…

— Helen Fielding

“Keep thinking back about what Mum said about being real and the Velveteen Rabbit book (though frankly have had enough trouble with…

— Helen Fielding

I do think New Year's resolutions can't technically be expected to begin on New Year's Day, don't you? Since, because it's an…

— Helen Fielding

One minute you're closer to someone than anyone in the whole world, next minute they need only to say the words 'time…

— Helen Fielding

“it’s a bit like if we were on a planet where all the space creatures were short, green and fat. Except a…

— Helen Fielding

“Resolution number one: Obviously will lose twenty pounds. Number two: Always put last night's panties in the laundry basket. Equally important, will…

— Helen Fielding

“Maybe there are just some men like that in the world, I thought. Men who have to be in charge, who have…

— Helen Fielding

“ Rules for Living by Olivia Joules 1. Never panic. Stop, breathe, think. 2. No one is thinking about you. They're thinking…

— Helen Fielding

In the end there is nothing more unattractive to men than radical feminism.

— Helen Fielding

Comedy tends to come out of things which are quite painful and serious.

— Helen Fielding

When someone loves you it's like having a blanket all round your heart...

— Helen Fielding

“I am not interested in emotional fuckwittage.”

— Helen Fielding

“I began to think I quite liked her really. It's always so nice to meet someone more badly behaved than oneself.”

— Helen Fielding

“The whole bloody world's got a commitment problem. It's the three-minute culture. It's a global attention-span deficit.”

— Helen Fielding

I tend to take [ to Bridget Jones Diaries] something that nearly happened, or might have happened, and then exaggerate it to…

— Helen Fielding

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces.”

— Helen Fielding