Darynda Jones

“IF IT HAS TIRES OR TESTICLES, IT’S GONNA GIVE YOU TROUBLE. —BUMPER STICKER”

— Darynda Jones

Your existence gives me a headache. Go stand over there.

— Darynda Jones

A Nuns Life: Chastity, poverty, and obedience. Wait, chastity?" BUMPER STICKER

— Darynda Jones

“Damn it. Reyes could be such a butthead. Freaking Antichrists.”

— Darynda Jones

“I lost my virginity but I still have the box it came in. – t-shirt”

— Darynda Jones

“I needed coffee. And a shower. Or a coffee shower.”

— Darynda Jones

Pretending to drink coffee was similar to faking an orgasm.

— Darynda Jones

Life is not about finding yourself. It's mostly about chocolate. T-Shirt

— Darynda Jones

“That took balls." "Please," I said with a snort, "that took ovaries. Of which I have two.”

— Darynda Jones

“You aren’t evil.” “Dutch. Do you want to get hit again?” “Are you threatening to spank me?” I teased.”

— Darynda Jones

In three hundred feet, turn right," Darth Vader said. The Darth Vader. I felt like we were friends now. Like I could…

— Darynda Jones

“If you can master the opening, you will be leaps and bounds ahead of the competition.”

— Darynda Jones

“I pointed to my right breast. "This is Danger." Then my left. "And this is Will Robinson.”

— Darynda Jones

“Did you learn anything, at least?" "I learned that Rey'azikeen is just as good at coitus as his alter ego.”

— Darynda Jones

No, no, no, no, no. Anything but murder. Or rape. Or kidnapping. Or armed robbery. Or indecent exposure, ’cause that’s just creepy.

— Darynda Jones

I did that thing where you scratch your eyebrow and flip someone off at the same time. I'm good at multitasking like…

— Darynda Jones

I brought out the most powerful tool I had in my arsenal. "If you resist," I said into Reyes's ear, "I'll be…

— Darynda Jones

You introduced me to Danger and Will Robinson, but you neglected to acquaint me with the other two.” “Fine,But you can’t make…

— Darynda Jones

“You have complete faith in me? For reals?” “Yes. Well, not your cooking. Other than that, absolutely.” I gasped. “I’ve cooked for…

— Darynda Jones

Where you just possessed?" Cookie asked after a long moment, awe softening her voice. "'Cause let me tell you, sweetheart, if that…

— Darynda Jones

Oh, my god!" I said, throwing my hands over my eyes and hurtling my body against the counter. "What?" "You're naked." "I'm…

— Darynda Jones

“That’s true, but I like to think of this as a ray of sunshine.” Her voice, filled with empathy, softened. “I’m all…

— Darynda Jones

You can’t have him, okay,” she said from behind the wire barrier. “Mm-hmm,” I whispered. “This is certainly a beautiful neighborhood.” “Yeah,…

— Darynda Jones

They were back. The demons in all their glory. And they had a plan. I made plans sometimes, too, but they rarely…

— Darynda Jones

“Bye-bye. Nice knowing you. But if you are waiting for that perfect idea to strike like lightning during a dust storm (I…

— Darynda Jones

Can you find out how owns C and R industries? They bought the old abandoned mental asylum downtown." "That old thing? What…

— Darynda Jones

“And you went out,” he said, his tone pleased. I said through the bubbles of toothpaste, “Had to. I got a case.”…

— Darynda Jones

“No writing is effortless. I’m not saying you can’t have a good day where the words just kind of flow, but even…

— Darynda Jones

Amber, you could never embarrass me." "Never?" she asked. "Never." "One time, I yelled across the store to Mom and asked her…

— Darynda Jones

You still owe me a million dollars." I'd presented him with a bill for proving his innocence and getting him freed from…

— Darynda Jones

Before I tell you, I have to know three things," I said. "Okay." "One, are you sitting down?" "Yes." "Two, are you…

— Darynda Jones

You either fainted or you wanted a much closer look at the cracks in the tile. Either way, you hit hard." "Seriously?"…

— Darynda Jones

“I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in.”

— Darynda Jones

I totally should've gone to Hogwarts when I had the chance.

— Darynda Jones

“I hardly loathe myself. Have you seen my ass?”

— Darynda Jones

“You can do this. Learn the cock, Cookie. Know the cock. Be the cock.”

— Darynda Jones

Genius has its limitations. Insanity...not so much" -Bumper Sticker

— Darynda Jones

Who is Dr. A. von Holstein? And is he related, by chance, to a race of cows?

— Darynda Jones

“Do you actually wear those in public?” “Only when I go out in them.”

— Darynda Jones

“I never said I'd die without coffee. I said other people would." - Meme”

— Darynda Jones