I don't always see humor in things. Especially when I smash my pinky toe into a coffee table leg in the middle… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
If a movie makes it really big, they do the obvious thing, right? They make an amusement park ride out of it.… — Brian Regan Amusement Copy Share Image
It's hard to program a computer to make jokes. The brain needs to do something here; the brain needs to come up… — Brian Regan Bizarre Copy Share Image
“I have to lay off dairy though. That's what my doctor threw in. As I was leaving his office, "Oh, and uh,… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
“I" before "E" except after "C" and when sounding like "A" as in neighbor and weigh, and on weekends and holidays and… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
“So I called back, "Ya, I have ten boxes and... no I'm another guy. Ya and they all weigh exactly 22 pounds,… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
Sometimes you'll play, like, a large venue - maybe an outdoor venue or something - where it's so big that you can… — Brian Regan Audience Copy Share Image
“So my doctor told me to watch what I'm eating - to read food labels. I'm in the store reading the Fig… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
“You want another one?" "Oh, I don't know: I've already had two whole, entire Fig Newtons. Maybe I could try to muscle… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
“A serving size on ice cream is like a half a cup. Is that like a joke some guy put on there?… — Brian Regan Food Copy Share Image
Superhero power... I probably would just want to fly. I definitely would not want to be able to see through walls. I… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
I did some writing for that movie. The remake of Planet of the Apes. I didn't write the script. But I wrote… — Brian Regan Apes Copy Share Image
“Alright so Evil Conevil, yeah. They're always asking him about that time he messed up. And the strangest question I've ever heard… — Brian Regan Evil Copy Share Image
I hate the phrase “One thing led to another”. What kind of lazy writing is that? Isn't it your job as a… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
Ladies and Gentlemen, we're about to begin boarding. If we could ask for your cooperation, please stay seated until you row has… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
“So when you do board, the first class people, they're sitting there. A lot of them are working as your boarding. They… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
“I never learn. Like a waitress will bring my meal. “Hey, enjoy your meal.” “You, too. But you don’t have one, do… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
I always hate having to use the equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
“You know when you say something but you want to change in the middle? Like one time I was a bout to… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
“I' before 'E' except after 'C', and when sounded like 'ay' as in neighbor and weigh, and on weekends and holidays, and… — Brian Regan Funny Copy Share Image
I went to the juice isle, I learned something. Cranberries are taking over everything. What do you got, apples? Put some cranberrise… — Brian Regan Apples Copy Share Image
“That’s why I admired that kid who spelled it wrong on purpose so he could sit down. He knew he wasn’t going… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open TWO jars! I can't be opening and closing… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
I don't take jokes from other people. It's really not cool to steal jokes from anybody. It's not cool to steal anything… — Brian Regan Comedy Copy Share Image
Even though I have fond feelings for comedy clubs, I enjoy the focus you get in a theater. Comedy clubs are a… — Brian Regan Animal Copy Share Image
I would have been a lot better off if I’d studied more when I was growing up, y’know. But you know where… — Brian Regan Bees Copy Share Image
I'm honored that other comedians like what I do. That means the world to me. But at the same time when I'm… — Brian Regan Audience Copy Share Image
You can poke fun at some pretty difficult circumstances, and it's just a way to pop the bubble. I don't do that… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
Can you imagine being bilingual? Or even knowing anybody that was? I'm not even unilingual. Actually, I shouldn't say that. I don't… — Brian Regan Bilingual Copy Share Image
You see weird things driving... I've never understood log trucks, sometimes you'll be out on the highway, you see two big giant… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
I try to be careful and put things in perspective. There are people who have challenging lives and work hard physically and… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
“I learned something in the juice isle, and that is, I don't know what's going on with cranberries, but they're getting in… — Brian Regan Cranberries Copy Share Image
I was watchin' the news the other day, and I heard them talking about a criminal named Brian Regan same spelling and… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
I eat like a kid. I like Chief Boyardee. Their Ravioli, but they have some stuff I've never seen in the real… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
I thought yoga was easy - I went out and I bought a yoga video tape. I bought the beginners' yoga tape.… — Brian Regan Beginners Copy Share Image
I don't know what in the hell's going on with cranberries, but they're getting in all the other juices. Whoever the salesman… — Brian Regan Apples Copy Share Image
I'm always excited about my upcoming shows. I love what I do; I feel very lucky to be able to do what… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
“We needed a refrigerator for our new place and I've never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I went into the appliance… — Brian Regan Comedy Copy Share Image
