Witty Quotes · Page 49

Snoring is your body's way of telling everyone not to disturb me asshole can't you see we are sleeping.

— Nikhil Saluja

The most brilliant flashes of wit come from a clouded mind, as lightning leaps only from an obscure firmament.

— Christian Nestell Bovee

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

— Anonymous

Wit is like caviar - it should be served in small portions and not spread about like marmalade.

— Noel Coward

I scream, you scream, both of us scream because we are being murdered while eating ice cream.

— Nikhil Saluja

I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.

— Clarence Darrow

“The primary feature of women is not a 'beauty', it's a 'mystery'.”

— Amit Kalantri

If A Girl Is Silent She Is Feeling Sad If A Boy Is Silent He Is Being Rude

— Nikhil Saluja

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Leo and she's a…

— Nikhil Saluja

You know why the US can't find Osama Bin Laden? They're using the wrong agency to look for him. Don't send the…

— Nikhil Saluja

LOVE, That delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock {John Barrymore};

— Nikhil Saluja

“Parents expect only two things from their children, obedience in their childhood and respect in their adulthood.”

— Amit Kalantri

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

— George Carlin

Luckily the script [of X-files episode] was written wonderfully and that became who I was and I was quirky, and I was…

— Rhys Darby

“It's one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights!... That's a real…

— Josh Stern

DEMOCRACY You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to pay…

— Nikhil Saluja

Wedding dresses are white so the dishwasher will match the oven and the fridge.

— Nikhil Saluja

A woman can say more in a retweet, than a man can say in a tweet.

— Nikhil Saluja

I have a city girls attitude and a country girls aim... Keep pushing me and you'll see BOTH!!

— Sarah Moores

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

— Woody Allen

Wit will shine Through the harsh cadence of a rugged line.

— John Dryden

If my tweets offend you: 1. I'm sorry. 2. It won't happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You're a pussy.

— Nikhil Saluja

There's a real emphasis on being witty in Scotland, even in crime novels.

— Denise Mina

Wit is an intermittent fountain; kindness is a perennial spring.

— Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

Dear teacher, I talk no matter where I am. Moving my seat will not help.

— Anonymous

This Is The Beginning Of A New Day! You Have Been Given This Day To Use As You Will!

— Nikhil Saluja

Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.

— Ambrose Bierce

Ladies, you are delusional if you think you can give me a hand job better than I can.

— Nikhil Saluja

Fancy restaurant: The only restaurant that serves you cold soup on purpose.

— Nikhil Saluja

Why don't you realize, that your words really do cut me down to size?

— Anonymous

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

— Nikhil Saluja

Don't Take It Seriously * When the HAIRDRESSER says, Do you want it teased or blown?

— Nikhil Saluja

If A Girl Talks Sweetly She Is Charming If A Boy Talks Sweetly He Is A Flirt

— Nikhil Saluja

In school I was never the class clown, but more the class trapeze artist. I was always being suspended.

— Tom Guntorius

Instead of raising awareness for bullying, how about parents just stop raising assholes?

— Nikhil Saluja

The fact that all angels are females and all devils are males :)

— Anonymous

If voting could really change things, It would be illegal.

— Nikhil Saluja

“In spite of being complicated people choose superstitions over common sense.”

— Amit Kalantri

Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.

— Nikhil Saluja

They say you can never win from a woman in an arguement, I say you can never win from a woman in…

— Nikhil Saluja