Just remember that a pat on the back is only 18 inches from a kick in the behind. — Rex W. Tillerson Copy Share Image
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries. — Bill Cosby Copy Share Image
I'm more financially successful, but it just means the shopping blunders I make are bigger now. — Cathy Guisewite Copy Share Image
only a complete alcoholic can think life is funny ... any life! ... — Louis-Ferdinand Celine Copy Share Image
Seeing the funny side of life is useful, and I've always had a sense of humour. — Henry Allingham Copy Share Image
It was almost funny. Life seemed downright accidental in its brevity, and death a punch line to a lousy joke. — Maureen Johnson Copy Share Image
It's a funny time, but I'm sure in any time you live in, you'd consider it funny because life is change and… — Toni Collette Copy Share Image
If life is just a highway, then the soul is just a car. And objects in the rear view mirror may appear… — Jim Steinman Copy Share Image
I don't like driving very much. That makes me very unhappy, because I scream a lot in the car, but other than… — Whoopi Goldberg Copy Share Image
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
A cousin of mine who was a casualty surgeon in Manhattan tells me that he and his colleagues had a one-word nickname… — Stephen Fry Copy Share Image
God knows life sucks. It's right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
My routine isn't so much dreaming up the comedy as just seeing what happens to me. I seem to be leading a… — John Pinette Copy Share Image
It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to… — Andy Rooney Copy Share Image
The gods throw the dice and they don't ask whether we want to be in the game or not. — Paulo Coelho Copy Share Image
I consider myself a crayon... I may not be your favorite color but one day you'll need me to complete your picture. — Lauryn Hill Copy Share Image
The most important thing to do in your life is to not interfere with somebody else's life. — Frank Zappa Copy Share Image
I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk! — Yogi Berra Copy Share Image
“it's funny how life seems only to be able to give and take, instead of just give!” — Tom Mitcheltree Copy Share Image
You'll live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
It's funny how life works. You end up sometimes back where you started. — Karl Iagnemma Copy Share Image
Luck is a very thin wire between survival and disaster, and not many people can keep their balance on it. — Hunter S. Thompson Copy Share Image
If I can sell tickets to my movies like Red Sonja or Last Action Hero, you know I can sell just about… — Arnold Schwarzenegger Copy Share Image
It's funny, sometimes life just comes down to bringing a little bit of light to somebody when you can. — Derek Trucks Copy Share Image
There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way. — Hugh Leonard Copy Share Image
Be your best friend and don't forget to wink at yourself every now and then. — Destiny Dreams Copy Share Image
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
The truth is really funny. It's uncomfortable sometimes, it's dramatic sometimes, but it's really funny. Life is funny. — Chris Messina Copy Share Image
Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you. — Andy Rooney Copy Share Image
In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Airplane Law, The: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time. — Paul Dickson Copy Share Image
Life is like stepping onto a boat which is about to sail out to sea and sink. — Shunryu Suzuki Copy Share Image
