« All Humour Quotes · Ambrose Bierce's Page
Humour Quotes by Ambrose Bierce
- Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig,…
- ADDER, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living.
- APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor and grave worm's provider
- ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn.
- BODY-SNATCHER, n. A robber of grave-worms. One who supplies the young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the undertaker.
- DIAPHRAGM, n. A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest from disorders of the bowels.
- DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others in their errors.
- EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition.
- FROG, n. A reptile with edible legs
- GOOSE, n. A bird that supplies quills for writing. These, by some occult process of nature, are penetrated and suffused with various degrees of the…
- GRAVITATION, n. The tendency of all bodies to approach one another with a strength proportioned to the quantity of matter they contain-the quantity of matter…
- GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted. By most writers the invention…
- HIBERNATE, v. i. To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion. There have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation of various animals. Many…
- HOMÅ’OPATHIST, n. The humorist of the medical profession.
- LEAD, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used ... as a counterpoise to an argument of such weight that it turns the scale of debate…
- LIVER, n. A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be bilious with. The sentiments and emotions which every literary anatomist now knows to…
- MOUSE, n. An animal which strews its path with fainting women.
- OBSERVATORY, n. A place where astronomers conjecture away the guesses of their predecessors.
- PROOF, n. Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of unlikelihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to that of only one.
- RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ that a scientist is a fool with.
- RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get away from where we are to where we are no better off. For…
- TELESCOPE, n. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us…
- MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His…
More Humour Quotes
- That which has not a real excellency and value in it self, entertains no longer than the giddy Humour which recommended it… — Mary Astell
- Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. — Dave Barry
- The people I grew up around who I really liked were quick on the draw. It always just wowed me. And my… — Drew Barrymore
- If someone had told me years ago that sharing a sense of humour was so vital to partnerships, I could have avoided… — Kate Beckinsale
- Among all kinds of Writing, there is none in which Authors are more apt to miscarry than in Works of Humour, as… — Joseph Addison
- Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake… — Ambrose Bierce
- I think the key attributes for a good speaker are someone that's articulate and someone that puts a fair amount of humour… — Jo Brand
- The real problem you get with humour is that you only have so many kinds of jokes within you, and you mine… — Bill Bryson
- Some say that Cusk has no sense of humour, but expecting giggles from this writer would be akin to expecting sonnets from… — Julie Burchill
- Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on. — Samuel Butler
- My wife is way funnier than I am. As much as I don't really feel I share a sense of humour with… — Steve Carell
- I don't know, maybe Australian humour isn't supposed to be funny. It's as dry as the Sahara, and I think people miss… — Nick Cave