Tommy Cooper Quotes

35 quotes in 413 categories

• It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the…
• I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure
• I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.
• I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
• I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
• A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.
• My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.
• A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too…
• Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then
• I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
• I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!
• And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living…
• He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a…
• Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
• A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The…
• A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a…
• Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.
• I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
• I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the…

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