All Tim Vine Quotes
- Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them.… Apparently
- So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't… Flexible
- Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And… Cabinet
- I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor. Date
- So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.' Got Home
- I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again. Been
- So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.' Baths
- I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy. Bit
- I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. Anything Trying
- You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. Fact
- Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds. Blow
- Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else… All
- I love acting, but it's all just a bonus. Acting
- If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative. Count
- I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep… All
- I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of… Kind
- My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you.… Bedroom
- So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.… Along
- Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.… Apparently
- So I went to the dentist. He said Say Aaah. I said Why? He said My dog's died.' Aaah