Tim Vine Quotes
- People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I…
- Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
- I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.
- Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.
- People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All…
- With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to…
- I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
- My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him, ‘Don’t be Sicily’.
- Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
- The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.
- So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.
- If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.
- For one thing, I don't pun excessively in real life.
- My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.
- One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're…
- As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that…
- Velcro: what a rip-off.
- Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes
- I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.
- So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great,…