Rob Delaney Quotes

31 quotes in 522 categories

• Cats probably wouldn't need 9 lives if they wore tiny little helmets and didn't smoke cigarettes.
• We can and should complain about certain horrors of the modern world, but when it comes to the treatment of mental illness, the advances made…
• Don't even FRONT like you love your family, America, or God, if you don't have a DETAILED & REHEARSED Black Friday tactical shopping plan.
• Running is special. We've all done it: well, poorly, focused, in fear, being pursued, toward a goal. It's just elemental. Running is like fire.
• I no longer believe in freedom of speech.
• I hate wearing suits and ties.
• I use Twitter as a tool to get involved with people, to sell tickets to gigs where I can stand in a room and smell…
• I want people to feel good about themselves.
• I'm crazy about Shakespeare, who was a notorious word inventor. And my wife is an English teacher, and she's hilarious.
• I'm endlessly fascinated by parenting, marriage, my wife and the ins and outs of marriage.
• In high school, I definitely fancied myself an intense guy, which is so lame.
• In real life, I am alarmingly boring.
• My stand-up is far more rooted in reality than my Twitter.
• On Twitter, I just want to make you laugh at all costs.
• Politicians, it's in their job description to just lie, every day.
• Well, Mitt Romney is a very attractive comedic target. He's irresistible to me. I mean, seriously, I want to pay less attention to him.
• But I also know in standup, there's nowhere to hide. You get on stage and you deliver, or you are eviscerated and you are thrown…
• Comedians who are 22 years old can certainly be funny and clever, and be capable of telling jokes - but are they talking about their…
• I had always loved comedy, and acted out Steve Martin and Bill Cosby albums with my sister for my parents on road trips and stuff,…
• I was an extroverted kid and performed, like, acting and singing. Then, the older I got, I realized I enjoyed performing things that I came…

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