“The function of assholes in the world, just like the asshole we all have, is to spread shit around.” — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
“Huh... guess they didn't want a cracker after all. Another myth BUSTED” — Kevin Hearne Cracker Copy Share Image
She switched from ecstasy to embarrassment at about Mach five. — Kevin Hearne Ecstasy Copy Share Image
“Dude. If that was a Shakespearean quote duel, he just kicked your ass.” — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
“Behind me, I heard my apprentice growl, “All your base are belong to us, Niko.” — Kevin Hearne Apprentice Copy Share Image
“Atticus "three kinds of cat shit, Oberon." Oberon "and an arrogant family of squirrels.” — Kevin Hearne Alliteration Copy Share Image
“The garden of sarcasm is watered with impatience, and mine chose that moment to bloom.” — Kevin Hearne Gardening Copy Share Image
“I don’t have enough information to make a rational decision. It’s like you’re asking me to order a drink according to how… — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
They never predict anything fun," Granuaile answered. "Just once I'd like to hear a prophet tell someone, 'Thou shalt win a bitchin'… — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
He will spit you and roast you with rosemary, and we will all sample your flesh tonight. Tomorrow you will be shat… — Kevin Hearne Diplomacy Copy Share Image
“A man’s supposed to shit himself after he dies, son, not before. Try to remember that, lad, so that when your time… — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
“for now, bread and mead call us, appetites whetted, to witness what I have been nursing, encased in iron, licked by flame,… — Kevin Hearne Appetites Copy Share Image
“When you cannot reason with people, you have to try scaring them. If that doesn’t work, then you either run or you… — Kevin Hearne Reason Copy Share Image
“Other times escape our notice, slipping by while we are preoccupied, and we do not appreciate their enormity until it’s too late… — Kevin Hearne Regret Copy Share Image
I hoped you would consider it seriously instead of laughing at it.' 'Mr. Chamkanni said much the same thing in bed the… — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
...Having no recourse, I feel back on Shakespeare. Leif would recognize it and understand the context properly. With my remaining few seconds… — Kevin Hearne Benedick Copy Share Image
“Dude is that was a Shakespeare quote duel, he just kicked your ass." Oberon I know, but I slipped in some T.S.Eliot… — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
She's kind of like a Mary Poppins just before she turns to the dark side of the Force," Oberon said. He was… — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
“That was it. Owen grabbed his arm, yanked it toward him, and head-butted the punk. He went down with a yelp and… — Kevin Hearne Respect Your Elders Copy Share Image
“I still didn’t know quite what the witches were capable of. The threshold could be booby-trapped or enchanted. I could be walking… — Kevin Hearne Funny Copy Share Image
“Witches and I generally don't get along. Druids look at the tapestry of nature and try to make sure the weave of… — Kevin Hearne Druids Copy Share Image
“I have been around long enough to discount most superstitions for what they are: I was around when many of them began… — Kevin Hearne Atticus-finch Copy Share Image
“Lord Bacchus, can you hear me? Nod if you can hear me." Bacchus dropped his hands and nodded. "You have never killed… — Kevin Hearne Bacchus Copy Share Image
“ Hordes, not whores. He had both, though, now that you mention it. You have no idea.” — Kevin Hearne Hordes Copy Share Image
“Atticus:"I found it difficult not to grin like a geek at a Trekkie convention.” — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
Granuaile:"So why don't cult leaders achieve godhood?" Atticus:" Because they're megalomaniacs drenched in douche juice. — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
“So this means you're spoiling me right?" Can't Help it. You're the best hound ever. Oberon's tail thumped a few times and… — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
“the bog was already bigger than a king’s ego and at night darker and more dangerous than a badger’s arsehole—ye just really… — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
“What I'd truly been avoiding was love, the strongest binding there is, and the pain that scrapes at your insides when the… — Kevin Hearne Love Copy Share Image
That’s what a skinwalker is: a mean asshole with a meaner spirit squatting inside.” "I’ve run into some of those at the… — Kevin Hearne Animal Copy Share Image
“[...] we are on the payrolls of two dozen different companies as consultants, but we do absolutely nothing for our paychecks, just… — Kevin Hearne Humor Copy Share Image
Wisdom eludes me yet, but foolishness I captured long ago and to this day it is my constant companion, though many people… — Kevin Hearne Companion Copy Share Image
“Strange how we unconsciously steer ourselves into new spectacular mistakes while trying to avoid repeating our past failures.” — Kevin Hearne Failure Copy Share Image
“He didn’t spend time on niceties like saying hello. He answered the phone with, “Have you changed your mind about Thor?” “Um… — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
She thinks petting me is an honor. This is an unexpected position to take for a goddess of slaughter, but I applaud… — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
“...Brain death didn't allow one time to heal, and the brain was the warehouse for the spirit. Punch a hole in that… — Kevin Hearne Death Copy Share Image
“Atticus, I think we're being stalked by the ghost of Alfred Hitchcock. First it was a Vulture adn now two giant ravens… — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
![“[...] we are on the payrolls of two dozen different companies as consultants, but we do absolutely nothing for our paychecks, just like normal consultants.” quote by Kevin Hearne](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/10b/kevin-hearne-991_humor_we-are-on-the-payrolls-of-two-dozen-diff_1784290.jpg)
