All John Oliver Quotes
- Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back. Fan
- Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury. Ads
- Congress never loses its capacity to disappoint you. Capacity
- Every empire has to get sucked down the drain. As a British person, I know how it feels. British
- Having a human conversation is not something I've had any training in either as a comedian or as, you know, a human being. Any
- I can't relax. I find vacations problematic. Find
- I did sketch comedy, but I never did improv. So I've just tried to learn as I go. Comedy
- I feel more at home knowing I'm not really at home. It takes all the pressure off you trying to fit in! All
- I feel non-stop Brit shame! Brit
- I find it hard in my general life to think further than the week ahead. Ahead
- I have exactly as much rhythm as you think I have. Exactly
- I knew I was going to go into the field and make fun of people to their faces. I knew what I was getting into. Faces
- I know I'd be an absolutely horrendous politician. Absolutely
- I realize how desperate it sounds for me, as a comedian, to ask you to laugh at my jokes. Ask
- I really love stand-up. I'm more than happy to do it for nothing. I've come to America to do it for nothing. It's the American… America
- I think puns are not just the lowest form of wit, but the lowest form of human behavior. Behavior
- I wanted to be a soccer player. I knew that couldn't happen. Happen
- I watch one news channel until my soul can't take it anymore. It's the background of my life. Anymore
- I would much rather America was a more stable, wonderful place. You know, I love it. America
- I'm always interested in audience interaction. Not so much aggressive audience interaction - I'm genuinely interested in how people see things. Aggressive