John Oliver Quotes

98 quotes in 1207 categories

• I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley -- the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in…
• Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language's most offensive C-word.
• Sarah Palin has been hired back by Fox News, and she only left five months ago. She has now effectively quit quitting. She can't even…
• Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we're just saying it's a little bit weird you didn't have to.
• Wow. Losing 95 percent of your audience in just five years. That basically makes Obama the NBC of presidents.
• News is not a game show. You don't win a car if you happen to be right.
• Welcome to The Daily Show, I'm John Oliver. Jon Stewart is still not here. He is currently living out a live-action Lord of the Rings…
• Whatever the occasion, [the Queen] has a face which demonstrably says 'I don't give a royal s**t.'
• Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you…
• If you’ve been here, in New York, it has been dominated by the UN General Assembly, the annual event where delegates come from all over…
• You know that things are not going well when you lose the moral high ground to a TMZ reporter,
• One thing that America is objectively exceptional at is overreacting whenever anyone accuses them of not being exceptional.
• According to current Florida law you can get a gun, follow an unarmed minor, call the police, have them explicitly tell you to stop following…
• Net neutrality: The only two words that promise more boredom in the English language are 'featuring Sting,'
• You don't need people's opinion on a fact.
• You don't need people’s opinion on a fact. You might as well have a poll asking: ‘Which number is bigger, 15 or 5?’ or ‘Do…
• British people would die for their right to drink themselves to death
• Pumpkin spice lattes are egg nog for morning people.
• Ads are baked into content like chocolate chips into a cookie. Except, it's actually more like raisins into a cookie because no one [expletive] wants…
• If your name is Sepp, at the bare minimum you’ve strangled someone in a bar fight.

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