Doug Larson

A clean basement, garage and attic are signs of an empty life.

— Doug Larson

Few things are more delightful than grandchildren fighting over your lap.

— Doug Larson

Fancy Restaurant: one that serves cold soup on purpose.

— Doug Larson

Bad news travels fast. Good news takes the scenic route.

— Doug Larson

Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.

— Doug Larson

For every little kid who still believes in Santa Claus, there is at least one adult who still believes in professional wrestling.

— Doug Larson

A child is a person who can't understand why someone would give away a perfectly good kitten.

— Doug Larson

Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three - and paradise…

— Doug Larson

People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage.

— Doug Larson

To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.

— Doug Larson

The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.

— Doug Larson

The trouble with class reunions is that old flames have become even older.

— Doug Larson

It's a wise person who knows the difference between free speech and cheap talk.

— Doug Larson

For disappearing acts, it's hard to beat what happens to the eight hours supposedly left after eight of sleep and eight of…

— Doug Larson

Paradise is open to all kinds of hearts.

— Doug Larson

One nice thing about telling a clean joke is there's a good chance no one's heard it before.

— Doug Larson

Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.

— Doug Larson

Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.

— Doug Larson

“A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except to be able to grow in rows”

— Doug Larson

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants…

— Doug Larson

Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management.

— Doug Larson

In debating the respective merits of dogs and cats, not having to walk a cat when it's 20 below zero deserves consideration.

— Doug Larson

A pun is the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it yourself.

— Doug Larson

The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball.

— Doug Larson

Establishing goals is all right if you don't let them deprive you of interesting detours.

— Doug Larson