Best David Sedaris Lines
- The word phobic has its place when properly used, but lately it's been declawed by the pompous insistence that most animosity is based upon fear… Animosity
- Across town, over in the East Village, the graffiti was calling for the rich to be eaten, imprisoned, or taxed out of existence. Though it… Across
- It's a common mistake for vacationing Americans to assume that everyone around them is French and therefore speaks no English whatsoever. [...] An experienced traveler… Americans
- People are often frightened of Parisians, but an American in Paris will find no harsher critic than another American. American
- All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments. All
- My feet are completely flat, but for most of my life they were still shaped like feet. Now, thanks to bunions, they're shaped more like… Boring
- His embarassment would have pleased me, but once he recovered, there would be that awkward period that sometimes culminates in a handshake. I didn't want… Awkward
- Like any normal fifth grader, I preferred my villains to be evil and stay that way, to act like Dracula rather than Frankenstein's monster, who… Act
- I can't seem to fathom that the things important to me are not important to other people as well, and so I come off sounding… Convert
- I just looked at the pattern of my life, decided I didn't like it, and changed. Changed
- The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think… Added
- The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, "I want… Ammonia
- The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate. Bring
- Scream at the mangled leather carcass lying at the foot of the stairs, and my parents would roar with laughter. "That's what you get for… Carcass
- A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more photogenic things to look at. Creepier
- but I have no mind for business and considered staying awake to be enough of an accomplishment. Accomplishment
- At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself… Always Look
- I was just struggling with my inner vachette and pondering the depths of my own inhumanity. Depth
- Hugh consoled me, saying, "Don't let it get to you. There are plenty of things you're good at." When asked for some examples, he listed… Animal
- He's as nutty as a vegan T-bone. Bone
- In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work things… Apartment
- The landscape is best described as 'pedestrian hostile.' It's pointless to try to take a walk, so I generally just stay in the room and… Best
- Cover your glass in France or Germany --even worse, in England - and in the voice of someone who has personally affronted, your host will… Affronted
- When asked "What do we need to learn this for?" any high-school teacher can confidently answer that, regardless of the subject, the knowledge will come… Age
- there's a reason regular people don't appear on TV: we're boring. Appear
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