My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect. — Christopher Titus Abandonment Copy Share Image
Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?! — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I don't tell people I'm white anymore - I'm albino-Cambodian. — Christopher Titus Albino Copy Share Image
Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on. — Christopher Titus Inspirational Copy Share Image
We are brought into this world cold, weak, and helpless. Then it gets worse. — Christopher Titus Cold Copy Share Image
In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Divorce is just about change, you know. It's God saying, You need a change. And I'm going to make it so your… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Dad thinks vengeance is the coolest thing about the Lord. That, and turning water into alcohol. — Christopher Titus Alcohol Copy Share Image
If you ask my dad for help... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck… — Christopher Titus Armadillos Copy Share Image
Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, "Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!" — Christopher Titus Dad Copy Share Image
The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn't mind. — Christopher Titus Dad Copy Share Image
When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. I believed everything and everyone. Then, I met my parents! — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
The government favors the most diplomatic language. That's why any letter to them should always start with, "Dear turkeys and foul maggots..." — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... You have an… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
The day I'm in England performing, English security let a man in a Batman suit climb Buckingham Palace. I felt so much… — Christopher Titus America Copy Share Image
The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Dylan Thomas wrote, Do not go gentle into that good night.… — Christopher Titus Alive Copy Share Image
I'm glad I was raised by my dad for other reasons, too. There are things you can learn from a father, as… — Christopher Titus Challenges Copy Share Image
And my daughter's too smart. She gets it watching TV. She gets it. She's five. She gets it. I... I have a… — Christopher Titus Children Copy Share Image
Of course, here's the weird part. After I fought my dad, all of a sudden we're buddies now. Like he's my friend… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Love. It's God's greatest gift. He fills our world with it and makes sure we grow up with caring, supportive parents. I'm… — Christopher Titus Caring Copy Share Image
I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are… — Christopher Titus Americans Copy Share Image
Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear the day their parents kill. My mum killed a guy,… — Christopher Titus Ability Copy Share Image
The Times Square Incident wasn't a terrorist attack, it was a Jim Carrey movie. The terrorist locked the keys to the safe… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Fathers and sons are natural enemies. Look at any species. Shark, sees his father in the water, he's not thinking, Hey dad,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Valentines Day is a day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. Yeah, when you're happy,… — Christopher Titus Angry Copy Share Image
There's a one in six billion chance you're gonna find your soul mate. But, maybe, your perfect soul mate is actually three… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
This country you're sitting in right now was not built on love, hugs, time-outs and trophies you didn't earn. This country was… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Thanksgiving is a holiday that brought together two different cultures. And things might not always work out like you think they should.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every… — Christopher Titus Best friend Copy Share Image
Sometimes, to help the people you love, you've gotta commit a felony. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize! — Christopher Titus Makeup Copy Share Image
We don't have home movies in my family. We have people's exhibit A. — Christopher Titus Cinema Copy Share Image
I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch -… — Christopher Titus Alcohol Copy Share Image
My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that! — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
After President Obama, President Rodriguez... What's the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks… — Christopher Titus Borders Copy Share Image
