I'm thinking of a presidential bid; currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly. — Christopher Titus Dad Copy Share Image
My mom shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say "Hey, dodged that bullet. Ha ha." — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Osama's dead. Why is the terror alert elevated or imminent? Why not chill? Can't I just fly, keep my shoes on and… — Christopher Titus Cancer Copy Share Image
Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered… — Christopher Titus Beer Copy Share Image
The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief." — Christopher Titus Belief Copy Share Image
There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says "We've got a family members… — Christopher Titus Family Copy Share Image
I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. Come on, you push a guy's face in a cake… — Christopher Titus Balloons Copy Share Image
And people get so weird about mental illness, you follow the rules! You don't up a heart patient on a roller coaster,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My mum is in a mental hospital. There's a fine line between genius and insanity. Winston Churchill, Mozart, John Lennon. These people… — Christopher Titus Brilliance Copy Share Image
There's a one in six billion chance you'll find your soul mate. And that's if they're not dead. At best they're probably… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
In a normal family, a surprise means presents, cake and a party. For me ? I had no idea. And my family,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
This horrible decade where all of us men tried to be individual rebels... by wearing the exact same flaming skull on a… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how… — Christopher Titus Bad guy Copy Share Image
My dad also survived five divorces, and the women he married cleaned his ass out every time. I used to think my… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Blood doesn't make you family. Hell, an only child can bleed. It's the sharing of pain that makes you family. 'Cause, you… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Here's the thing: If you're so far left you actually believe that somebody owes you a job, citizenship and a heart transplant,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Being a parent is a life sentence. You see, that's why normal people should not have children because if you raise a… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. Just make sure you clear the bold move with… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes. — Christopher Titus Dad Copy Share Image
I do not need help destroying my relationship. I was raised by my father. I've completed a thirty-year seminar on the power… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my… — Christopher Titus Abuse Copy Share Image
We're ready for a real black President - someone like Jay-Z. Obama's fine, just not all black. He's our gateway Negro. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head. — Christopher Titus Dollars Copy Share Image
My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes… — Christopher Titus Backing up Copy Share Image
Terrorists, oh I'm sorry, Fox News tells us it's all illegal immagration's fault but it's not their fault, it's ours. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Obama says he's bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a failed jobs program. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
We're looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
The towers fell, and the first thing that went through my head was my dad's voice: 'Well, you brought a new life… — Christopher Titus Dad Copy Share Image
Thomas Jefferson said, The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. Yeah… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't dysfunctional, we couldn't… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
We kinda hated sitcoms when we sat down and talked about this. We wanted to do something that was in the sitcom… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand… — Christopher Titus Babysitter Copy Share Image
At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kill Mommy?'… — Christopher Titus Children Copy Share Image
Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or treacherous devils. — Christopher Titus Abortion Copy Share Image
