Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy. — Christopher Titus England Copy Share Image
You don't get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation. — Christopher Titus Generation Copy Share Image
Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the hippies. — Christopher Titus Animal Copy Share Image
Does anyone ever shudder with the crap that you pulled off and didn't die? — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is… — Christopher Titus Girl Copy Share Image
Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad. — Christopher Titus Battle Copy Share Image
A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Martha Stewart's a convicted felon and they gave her another television show. What's next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour? — Christopher Titus Felon Copy Share Image
Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man!… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Satan called - he's changed the sheets, fluffed the pillows and laid out the complimentary chocolate. Hell is ready for John Edwards. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions. — Christopher Titus Church Copy Share Image
My father, never chooses me for anything. If you needed a kidney and I offered him mine, well, pfft. Well, he'd take… — Christopher Titus Choose me Copy Share Image
I have a dream. With that one sentence, Martin Luther King touched and empowered an entire nation. You know what else he… — Christopher Titus Dream Copy Share Image
It should be a law. Everybody should legally own a gun. In fact, if you're caught outside your house without your gun,… — Christopher Titus Amendment Copy Share Image
I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006. Yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife turned into a demon… — Christopher Titus Anus Copy Share Image
Sometimes, to help someone you love, you have to commit a felony. But, you don't want to go to prison for that.… — Christopher Titus Armed robbery Copy Share Image
And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives,… — Christopher Titus Alcohol Copy Share Image
They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy's head, stripped him naked, put an egg between his buttcheeks… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. But it all changes after that. You get a great car,… — Christopher Titus Being a teenager Copy Share Image
Valentines Day is the day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. And when she's happy,… — Christopher Titus Angry Copy Share Image
How far would you go for someone you love ? Well, when my grandkids ask me how I pledged my love to… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Losing builds character. So, if you're the loser in your family, don't worry. 'Cos twenty years form now, that perfect can do… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Thanksgiving is a holiday that brought together two different cultures. The pilgrims came here with the best intentions. They decided to flee… — Christopher Titus Best intentions Copy Share Image
When you screw up, you got to pay the price. Shoot up a supermarket, you go to jail. Ride a motorcycle without… — Christopher Titus Brain Copy Share Image
I say we spend some money, clean up some junkies and make them all go work for the Red Cross. You ever… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I can't stop some idiot from crashing into a building or blowing up a bus, I can only be your dad and… — Christopher Titus Alive Copy Share Image
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Japan is the perfect example of make plans, and watch God laugh. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I'm the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Oh yeah, I'm mentally screwed up for life. But I look good. — Christopher Titus Life Copy Share Image
If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend! — Christopher Titus Danger Copy Share Image
