All Bob Monkhouse Quotes
- Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one? Any
- My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh. Baby
- My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof… Been
- I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap. Fair
- What do gardeners do when they retire? Age
- I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much. House
- Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest. Dividends
- I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer. Alarm
- Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional. Age
- When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to? Board
- It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age. Age
- Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted. Golden
- I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too! Best
- My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo. Father
- With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years. Sex
- I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance. Distance
- They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now. All
- I got my start in silent radio. Comedy
- If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? Blind
- My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals. Coil
- The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time. Archer
- A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'. Canaries