I started pooping 10 times a day because it's where I come up with my best tweets. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
HUSBAND, SMART, A man who buys his wife such fine china that she will never trust him to do the dishes; — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Good girls pack their toothbrush Bad girls pack their diaphragms Naughty girls pack their dildos — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I read the newspaper every day just to see if there's anyone I know in the obituaries or the underwear ads. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Husbands are like guns ... keep one around for long enough and you're gonna want to shoot it! — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I love gentiles. In fact, on of my favorite activities is Protestant spotting. — Mel Brooks Copy Share Image
No matter how good she looks, Some other guy is sick and tired Of putting up with her shit. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn' t feel good, and I… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I got a fortune cookie today. It said I should invest in something fun on four wheels. I don't know if that… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
My philosophy towards life is to enjoy it to the fullest and have fun. I am one of those 'laugh-out-loud' kinds. I… — Bipasha Basu Copy Share Image
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
MARRIAGE, A very good way to promote civilisation -- if you get a good wife you will be happy, if you get… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I was walking around with my GF when she started playing a Bieber song on cell & now there's vomit all over… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um...… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Statistically, 10% of women will find this joke offensive. The other 90% are in the kitchen, where they fucking should be! — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal. — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
Gay people don’t actually try to convert people. That’s Jehovah’s Witnesses you’re thinking of. — Tina Fey Copy Share Image
“You had to be charming and witty and not cringe at their dirty jokes. It was a Mad Men kind of atmosphere.” — Lynn Povich Copy Share Image
A witty writer is like a porcupine; his quill makes no distinction between friend and foe. — Josh Billings Copy Share Image
If I ask to suck your boobs when I wake up, does that count as sleeping like a baby? — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
When scientists do discover the center of the universe dont be disappointed that its not you — Ana Chable Copy Share Image
Stop posting non-sense phrases on your status if you dont know the right spilling.. — Rude-dale Copy Share Image
We would all like to vote for the best man but he is never a candidate. — Kin Hubbard Copy Share Image
The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to get dressed up for it. — Truman Capote Copy Share Image
With all these shit stains, shut your ass hole doesn't offend me at all — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
SEX DRIVE, a physical craving which appears at puberty and ends at marriage — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I am not only witty in myself, but the cause that wit is in other men. — William Shakespeare Copy Share Image
Sometimes I want to sit on my right hand so it feels like someone else is stopping me from masturbating. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
The rarest sight in the world is a woman who is happy with photographs of herself. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I got a teenage daughter and a menopausal wife. One's getting breasts, one's getting whiskers. My life is over. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
