Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. A typhoon couldn't blow that thing… — Tim Allen Copy Share Image
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. — Tim Allen Copy Share Image
Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of "Yeah, we might have to reboot." — Tim Allen Copy Share Image
My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and… — Tim Allen Copy Share Image
A car crossed two lanes of traffic, flipped, and landed on my dad's car. I don't blame cars. My dad loved cars. I don't… — Tim Allen Copy Share Image
Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog. — Tim Allen Copy Share Image
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children.… — Tim Allen Copy Share Image
Speeding is like drugs. It makes everything come at you fast, and when you go back to normal driving, safe driving, prudent driving, it… — Tim Allen Copy Share Image
While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him… — Tim Allen Copy Share Image
To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise. — Tim Allen Copy Share Image
They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times. — Tim Allen Copy Share Image
My dad's death reminds me of earthquakes - things that shake your foundation. — Tim Allen Copy Share Image
It's true; I have a skill and it's... it has not related to acting, it's not related to auditions, it's not related to studios,… — Tim Allen Copy Share Image
I blend memories. I blend them into one that's funny. I exaggerate to clarify. — Tim Allen Copy Share Image
When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I… — Tim Allen Copy Share Image
