“It’s real hard to come off as even slightly superior when you’re living a Tom and Jerry episode.” — Paul Neilan Copy Share Image
“It takes more than one kick in the pants to reverse a lifetime of unplanned apathy.” — Paul Neilan Copy Share Image
I hate bananas. I just hate them. But I also think a banana suit is the funniest fruit costume a person can wear. — Paul Neilan Copy Share Image
“It was nice of her to want to believe the best about me. People tend to do that with the strangers they're fucking. If… — Paul Neilan Copy Share Image
If Tolstoy were alive today and working at Panopticon Insurance, he'd say that all insurance companies are the same, then throw himself through an… — Paul Neilan Copy Share Image
Anybody can make something up and have it sound believable. The hard part is remembering all the lies you've told, and all the people… — Paul Neilan Copy Share Image
“Sitting on my stool I thought of a bumper sticker: "If Mean People Suck, Why Isn't My Dick In Your Mouth?” — Paul Neilan Copy Share Image
There comes a time in every man's life when he wakes up drunk on the toilet and begins to doubt the choices he has… — Paul Neilan Copy Share Image
“Buy it for anyone you know who cries in the shower, who drinks in the morning, whose life only has meaning when they’re asleep… — Paul Neilan Copy Share Image
“Buy it for the lady who’s about to become your mother-in-law, the one who’s already trying to control your life and the lives of… — Paul Neilan Copy Share Image
“Sometimes the questions are more important than the answers, especially when you do not know what the answers are. I didn't give a shit… — Paul Neilan Copy Share Image
“Two wrongs don't make a right but sometimes they make me laugh. I am a vengeful god.” — Paul Neilan Copy Share Image
