I think that if people are having trouble communicating with one another, the least they can do is SHUT UP. — Tom Lehrer Copy Share Image
"Life is like a sewer - what you get out of it depends on what you put into it." It's always seemed… — Tom Lehrer Copy Share Image
You can make fun with Saddam Hussein jokes ... but you can't make fun of, say, the concentration camps. I think my… — Tom Lehrer Copy Share Image
Things are much more complicated. Feminism versus pornography, for example. There are a lot of feminists who think it is bad, but… — Tom Lehrer Copy Share Image
I find enough mystery in mathematics to satisfy my spiritual needs. I think, for example, that pi is mysterious enough (don't get… — Tom Lehrer Copy Share Image
Everything is so weird in politics that it's very hard to be funny about it, I think. — Tom Lehrer Copy Share Image
No one is more dangerous than someone who thinks he has The Truth. To be an atheist is almost as arrogant as… — Tom Lehrer Copy Share Image
Once you've heard the joke, it's not funny anymore, but it's the way it's told. And I think that's the same with… — Tom Lehrer Copy Share Image
The audiences like to think that satire is doing something. But, in fact, it is mostly to leave themselves satisfied. Satisfied rather… — Tom Lehrer Copy Share Image
When you attend a funeral, It is sad to think that sooner o' Later those you love will do the same for… — Tom Lehrer Copy Share Image
The real issues I don't think most people touch. The Clinton jokes are all about Monica Lewinsky and all that stuff and… — Tom Lehrer Copy Share Image
Plagiarize, plagiarize, / Let no man's work evade your eyes, / Remember why the good Lord made your eyes, / Don't shade your eyes,… — Tom Lehrer Copy Share Image
I ache for the touch of your lips dear, but much more for the touch of your whips dear. — Tom Lehrer Copy Share Image
When someone makes a move Of which we don't approve, Who is it that always intervenes? U.N. and O.A.S., They have their place, I… — Tom Lehrer Copy Share Image
I'm not tempted to write a song about George W. Bush. I couldn't figure out what sort of song I would write. That's the… — Tom Lehrer Copy Share Image
Don't solicit for your sister, it's not nice. Unless you get a good percentage of her price. — Tom Lehrer Copy Share Image
It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years. — Tom Lehrer Copy Share Image
“I am never forget the day I first meet the great Lobachevsky. In one word he told me secret of success in mathematics: Plagiarize!… — Tom Lehrer Copy Share Image
Counting in octal is just likst counting in decimal--if you don't use your thumbs. — Tom Lehrer Copy Share Image
Disclaimer: If anyone disagrees with anything I say, I am quite prepared to not only retract it, but also to deny under oath I… — Tom Lehrer Copy Share Image
I don't want to satirise George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporise them. — Tom Lehrer Copy Share Image
San Francisco is a city of twenty-something millionaire white kids named Doug. — Tom Lehrer Copy Share Image
