GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
THEOSOPHY, n. An ancient faith having all the certitude of religion and all the mystery of science. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
HOMILETICS, n. The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician's forecast of disease by the patient's pulse and purse. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
To bother about the best method of accomplishing an accidental result. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
MESMERISM, n. Hypnotism before it wore good clothes, kept a carriage and asked Incredulity to dinner. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
ETHNOLOGY, n. The science that treats of the various tribes of Man, as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and ethnologists. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
FINANCE, n. The art or science of managing revenues and resources for the best advantage of the manager. The pronunciation of this… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
BODY-SNATCHER, n. A robber of grave-worms. One who supplies the young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief activity consists in the endeavour to ascertain its own… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
PHRENOLOGY, n. The science of picking the pocket through the scalp. It consists in locating and exploiting the organ that one is… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
“TRUTH, n.: An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance. Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is the most… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
Botany, n. The science of vegetables - those that are not good to eat, as well as those that are. It deals… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
PROBOSCIS, n. The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
ORTHOGRAPHY, n. The science of spelling by the eye instead of the ear. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous vegetarian, his heirs and assigns. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
There is nothing new under the sun but there are lots of old things we don't know. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
SYLLOGISM, n. A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor assumption and an inconsequent. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the process is imperfect, vices are evolved instead - a circumstance from which… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
ZOOLOGY, n. The science and history of the animal kingdom, including its king, the House Fly ("Musca maledicta"). The father of Zoology… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get away from where we are to where we are no… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
OBSESSED, p.p. Vexed by an evil spirit, like the Gadarene swine and other critics. Obsession was once more common than it is now. Arasthus… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
IMMORAL, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater number of instances men find to be generally inexpedient comes… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
REVIEW, v.t. To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it./ Although in truth there's neither bone nor skin to it)/ At work… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
RUBBISH, n. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions lying due south from Boreaplas. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
There was never a genius who was not thought a fool until he disclosed himself; whereas he is a fool then only. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
WHANGDEPOOTENAWAH, n. In the Ojibwa tongue, disaster; an unexpected affliction that strikes hard. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
RIDICULE, n. Words designed to show that the person of whom they are uttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him who… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
A bad marriage is like an electrical thrilling machine: it makes you dance, but you can't let go. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
