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Science Quotes by Ambrose Bierce

64 Science quotes by Ambrose Bierce

All Science quotes Ambrose Bierce’s page

RUBBISH, n. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, literatures, arts and sciences of remote tribes, shows Bierce’s satirical take on scientific jargon. He offers quirky definitions for terms like HURRICANE, RADIUM, and NEWTONIAN, turning them into jokes. Other entries mock everyday objects, calling a dentist a prestidigitator who pulls coins from pockets.

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FEMALE, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.

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MOUSE, n. An animal which strews its path with fainting women.

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HOMÅ’OPATHIST, n. The humorist of the medical profession.

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HOMŒOPATHIST, n. The humorist of the medical profession.

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MEDICINE, n. A stone flung down the Bowery to kill a dog in Broadway.

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FROG, n. A reptile with edible legs

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DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others in their errors.

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IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.

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DIAPHRAGM, n. A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest from disorders of the bowels.

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Finance is the art or science of managing revenues and resources for the best advantage of the manager

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LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience.

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GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.

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ADDER, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living.

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Nature's fortuitous manifestation of her purposeless objectionableness.

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OBSERVATORY, n. A place where astronomers conjecture away the guesses of their predecessors.

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IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing…

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PROOF, n. Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of unlikelihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to that…

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TELESCOPE, n. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects…

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HURRICANE, n. An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is still in…

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MAGNETISM, n. Something acting upon a magnet. The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of one thousand eminent scientists,…

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HOMOEOPATHY, n. A school of medicine midway between Allopathy and Christian Science. To the last both the others are distinctly inferior, for…

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RUBBISH, n. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions lying due south…

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NEWTONIAN, Pertaining to a philosophy of the universe invented by Newton, who discovered that an apple will fall to the ground, but…

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HIBERNATE, v. i. To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion. There have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation of…

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EFFECT, n. The second of two phenomena which always occur together in the same order. The first, called a Cause, is said…

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BIRTH, n. The first and direst of all disasters. As to the nature of it there appears to be no uniformity. Castor…

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GRAVITATION, n. The tendency of all bodies to approach one another with a strength proportioned to the quantity of matter they contain-the…

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LIVER, n. A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be bilious with. The sentiments and emotions which every literary anatomist…

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GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted. By most…

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LEAD, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used ... as a counterpoise to an argument of such weight that it turns the…

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“GEOLOGY, n. The science of the earth's crust --to which, doubtless, will be added that of its interior whenever a man shall…

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GOOSE, n. A bird that supplies quills for writing. These, by some occult process of nature, are penetrated and suffused with various…

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Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basic…

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HOMILETICS, n. The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation. So skilled the parson was…

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POTABLE, n. Suitable for drinking. Water is said to be potable; indeed, some declare it our natural beverage, although even they find…

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RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ that a scientist is a fool with.

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OPIATE, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard.

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APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor and grave worm's provider

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Dentist: a prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coin out of your pocket.

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PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.

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More by Ambrose Bierce

OBSESSED, p.p. Vexed by an evil spirit, like the Gadarene swine and other critics. Obsession was once more common than it is now. Arasthus…

DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set.

IMMORAL, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater number of instances men find to be generally inexpedient comes…

REVIEW, v.t. To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it./ Although in truth there's neither bone nor skin to it)/ At work…

CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time…

RUBBISH, n. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions lying due south from Boreaplas.

There was never a genius who was not thought a fool until he disclosed himself; whereas he is a fool then only.

Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

WHANGDEPOOTENAWAH, n. In the Ojibwa tongue, disaster; an unexpected affliction that strikes hard.

Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.

RIDICULE, n. Words designed to show that the person of whom they are uttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him who…

Think twice before you speak to a friend in need

HERMIT, n. A person whose vices and follies are not sociable.

TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.

A bad marriage is like an electrical thrilling machine: it makes you dance, but you can't let go.