There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed. — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. "Are you… — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is… — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements. — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him.… — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons. — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet. — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling. — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even… — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing. — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off. — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
