“A blanket might make the ideal politician, because they’re warm, comforting, soft, and easily corruptible. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to have five or six wives, and a few dozen sheep, all for my pleasure. I should be a politician.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I thought I ran over a politician’s dog, but when I discovered it was his wig, I was disappointed.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Can America get back to a point where politicians are honest? Not unless that point is the tip of a sword.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s nothing special about politicians as people. Now as animals, they’d be extraordinary for their ability to be intelligent enough (barely) to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A politician’s word is like a thick tree branch, and the people are all hanging on it. Well, I’ve got noose for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could deliver the zeitgeist through the thick skull of a politician faster than any letter or email. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The difference between a politician and a helmet full of feces, is the politician doesn’t need to wear protective headgear, because he’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Just because I look like John Wayne (at least my liver looks identical to his) doesn’t mean I play cowboy with politics.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m the kind of guy who turns my fan on in winter, only to then go and add another blanket on top… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to bestow gratitude upon your favorite (or least favorite) politician. Let them know your approval level by… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d like to spend money on a wallet, but if I spent money on a wallet, I’d have none left over to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The government should either force the population to get healthy, or tax them for not complying. If the people still refuse to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to make the world safer for our children. Well, not our children, as I don't actually have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When all the birds and all the fish join forces, the politicians will be forced to chew on and swallow their own… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I walk everywhere wearing orange pants, an orange vest, and a yellow bicycle helmet with a bumper supporting a political candidate I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d make a great politician. I’d make it out of pig shit, so it wouldn’t be as foul as it is now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be thrown, like a football, only instead of a wide receiver, I’d recommend sending out a politician to catch… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To some dogs I don’t like cats, to some cats I don’t like dogs, and to some people I don’t like. Mostly… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a floatation device. But only use it if the person drowning is a politician. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m wearing my political mustache today. If you want to see it, you’ll find it on the pubic region of a lobbyist.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“People are so particular. Unlike animals, which can be lions, eagles, or sharks, people are only people. (Though some people can easily… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Is a wind farm a field full of talking politicians? If so, I wonder what they grow? Probably the national debt.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think it’s OK to rape as many people as possible, and that’s precisely why I’m going into politics.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d rather make love to a robot than a politician, because it’d be more personable. Anyway, talking vacuum cleaners with flesh and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I suffer from tennis elbow. It’s an old masturbating injury from when I was training to go into politics.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Hardly anybody tells the truth these days. For the truth I have to go to Washington DC, and whatever a politician says,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Governments are too stupid to understand that too much red tape does not bind a nation together—it tears it apart.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It may be 9:01 am, and I may have a 9-5 business, but if you are a politician, I’m closed. Come back… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to pad the pockets of crooked politicians. Why stuff their greedy pockets with cash, when we could load… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What you’d call stealing, I’d call a mistake. Or, if I were a politician, I’d call it an opportunity, and my privilege.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I put the hop in IHOP, and jumped on my pan of pancakes and then on to Panama. That’s standard government issued… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Politicians are like warts on the body of society. And the only thing worse than warts are lawyers and lobbyists. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A priest, a politician, and a philosopher walk into a bar, and the bartender stabs one of them. Which one did he… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s disturbing to me that criminals are freely roaming the streets of our nation’s capital. I’m not talking about escaped prison inmates—I’m… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It may be bad for you, but government has no role in dictating our lives. People should be free to imprison themselves.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A burial should be more than a fire pit, arena seating, and a squirming politician strapped to a pile of wood. There… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s not true I think all politicians are morons. Morons are far too intelligent to be politicians.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I say eek to Zeke Ekez, the imaginary palindrome politician of my dreams. He looks like me, talks like me, and thinks… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
