“Every home needs a woman’s touch. My penis also needs a woman’s touch.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a magician. I can make food appear—and out of my penis, no less.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My penis burns. I guess I should stop trying to put out forest fires with it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s a penis in my penne pasta. It’s my penis, but that doesn’t mean it belongs there.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Your penis is a whistle. My penis is a flute. And I’ve got a tromboner for your girl.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My penis is seven. Not years old or even inches. No, my genitalia is the prime number seven. Isn’t that odd?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I put the penis in happiness. I put it there, and I can pull it out too. (But why would I? That’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My penis is looooooong. Wait, I think I left off an O. Probably better that way, so I can use it as… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I didn't have romantic feelings for her, but my penis did. So what else could I do but obey the Master?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick is blocking my urethra. But it’s not painful, because my penis is just that big. Oh yes, it’s as big… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s not what you wear that sets you apart from your fellow man, but what you don’t wear. I don’t wear pants,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to start your car, if your car’s keys are cube-shaped and huge. You know what else cube-shaped… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a penis enlargement aid. Just tie a string around both your penis and a brick, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Please, allow me a moment to put my penis back where it belongs. I should never have taken it out of its… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my penis gets enough water, could my erection grow long and straight like a pine tree? Come over next Tuesday to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my penis were big enough to be mistaken for a leg, I am not sure I'd want the world to know.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The list of women he’s slept with is longer than his penis. The list is three inches long.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“An elephant trunk is a metaphor for a penis. But not just any penis—my penis.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to fly interdimensionally. My penis is a wormhole. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My penis, when inflated, does not qualify as a flotation device, no matter how much it tastes like the navy.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Please don’t step on my penis. And pick it up off the floor if you see it’s fallen out of my pocket.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve got ears like a rabbit, and a penis like a baby carrot—fully erect, of course.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I've never had cyber sex. My penis won't fit in the USB port. . . at least not without lots of lubrication.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The last three inches of my penis shaft are perfect. Of course, the last three and the first three are one and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wish my erection pointed inwards. But it doesn’t, it points directly at you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Chop off my erection. That way you don’t have to go battery-operated penis shopping.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My penis’ name is Pride. Pride is something every woman should be filled with.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On the card I wrote, “Thinking of you,” and the picture was of my erect penis. I hope my local congressman got… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My name is my reputation. And all I have in this world is my name. Well, and my penis, which shoots out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Maybe one day I’ll be a real boy. Maybe then my untruthful nose won’t be longer than my truthfully aroused penis.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
