Parenting Quotes by David Sedaris

“Good girl, Rachel. Now, let’s get the hell out of here. Your mother has a headache that won’t quit until you’re twenty-one”

— David Sedaris

“You kids might think you’re close, but just wait until your father and I are gone, and you’re left to divide up…

— David Sedaris

If I were president, I would turn the tables and allow the fetus to abort its mother.

— David Sedaris

“This grown man who now phones his father to say, "Motherfucker, I ain't seen pussy so long, I'd throw stones at it.”

— David Sedaris

“Drawing attention to Gretchen's weight was the sort of behavior my mother referred to as 'stirring the turd,' and I did it…

— David Sedaris

“It was a father, one hand resting teapot-style on his hip, and the other - what would be the spout - formed…

— David Sedaris

“Here I am, just turned fifty, and I forgot that my father isn’t dead yet!”

— David Sedaris

“She just happens to be my father, young man, and I'd appreciate it of you'd show her a little respect.”

— David Sedaris

“We'd all turn our backs on privilege, but comfortably, the way you can when you still have access to it. No one…

— David Sedaris

He die one day, and then he go above of my head to live with your father." He weared the long hair,…

— David Sedaris

“The whole notion of the nursing home was something dreamed up by people like my mother; American women with sunglasses, always searching…

— David Sedaris

“I don’t know that it had anything to do with us,” my father said. But how could it have not? Doesn’t the…

— David Sedaris

“There are things you forget naturally-computer passwords, your father's continuing relationship with life-and then there are things you can't forget that you…

— David Sedaris

After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine…

— David Sedaris

Scream at the mangled leather carcass lying at the foot of the stairs, and my parents would roar with laughter. "That's what…

— David Sedaris

“You're the man now,' she said to me after my father died, 'you're the man.' Then she turned to Popeye, our calico…

— David Sedaris

“I’m sure my father said plenty of normal things to me when I was growing up, but what stuck, probably because he…

— David Sedaris

For as long as I can remember, my father saved. He saves money, he saves disfigured sticks that resemble disfigured celebrities, and…

— David Sedaris

“May 9, 1989 Again this year I made Mom a Mother's Day card. It reads: M is for the Morbid things you…

— David Sedaris

“The child opened her beak even wider, and the stork let out a moan. “It really wouldn’t hurt you to take an…

— David Sedaris

I’d always been afraid of sick people, and so had my mother. It wasn’t that we feared catching their brain aneurysm or…

— David Sedaris

“My mother was, for the most part, delighted with my brother and regarded him with the bemused curiosity of a brood hen…

— David Sedaris

“In my house, our parents put us to bed with two simple words: “Shut up.” That was always the last thing we…

— David Sedaris

There are a lot of college writing textbooks that will include essays and short stories, and after reading the story or essay,…

— David Sedaris

“Unlike my father, who blindly churned out one canvas after another, I had real ideas about the artistic life. Seated at my…

— David Sedaris

“All these young mothers chauffeuring their volcanic three-year-olds through the grocery store. The child's name always sounds vaguely presidental, and he or…

— David Sedaris

“What were you asleep? Helen would say as I opened the door. "I've been up since five." In her hand would be…

— David Sedaris

“Today a child told Santa Ken that he wanted his dead father back and a complete set of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.…

— David Sedaris

“She knew what my mother did not: either you want a clean floor or you want to use a mop, but you…

— David Sedaris

“He took a sip of my father’s weak coffee and spit it back into the mug. "This shit’s like making love in…

— David Sedaris

“The two of you grew apart,' my mother would say. She made it sound as if we'd veered off in different directions,…

— David Sedaris

College is the best thing that can ever happen to you," my father used to say, and he was right, for it…

— David Sedaris

It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You'll…

— David Sedaris

Whenever I write about my family, I start by getting my parent's approval. I like to think I write about them with…

— David Sedaris

“I don’t know why it was, exactly, but nothing irritated my father quite like the sound of his children’s happiness. Group crying,…

— David Sedaris

I gave my mother a matching set [of mugs] for Christmas, and she accepted them as graciously as possible, announcing that they…

— David Sedaris

“If I'd been burned alive because of bad grades, my parents would have killed me, especially my father, who meant well but…

— David Sedaris

“What's wrong?" he said. "I'll tell you what's wrong: you're killing us." "But I thought that's what you wanted?" "We did," my…

— David Sedaris

There’s a lot I don’t tell my father when he calls asking after Amy. He wouldn’t understand that she has no interest…

— David Sedaris

“When a hurricane damaged my father's house, my brother rushed over with a gas grill, three coolers of beer, and an enormous…

— David Sedaris