Humor Quotes by David Sedaris

“I think there is a difference between comic essays and war reporting, and people can tell that.”

— David Sedaris

Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.

— David Sedaris

“Faced with an exciting question, science tended to provide the dullest possible answer.”

— David Sedaris

“My first boyfriend was black as well, but that doesn't prove I'm color-blind, just that I like big butts.”

— David Sedaris

“He has a passport," my classmates would whisper. "Quick, let's run before he judges us!”

— David Sedaris

What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny.

— David Sedaris

“I was a smart-ass, born and raised. This had been my curse and would continue to be so.”

— David Sedaris

“Like most seasoned phonies, I roundly suspect that everyone is as disingenuous as I am.”

— David Sedaris

Humor is necessary - it allows the reader to come up for air before dunking them under again. I need humor and…

— David Sedaris

“Dad followed his I’m-So-Disappointed speech with a lecture on career opportunities. “You’re going to study literature and get a job doing what?”…

— David Sedaris

The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons.

— David Sedaris

“There’s a short circuit between my brain and my tongue, thus “Leave me the fuck alone” comes out as “Well, maybe. Sure.…

— David Sedaris

“This grown man who now phones his father to say, "Motherfucker, I ain't seen pussy so long, I'd throw stones at it.”

— David Sedaris

“I pulled back because I am not a hugger. Never have been. When someone wraps their arms around me, I shut down…

— David Sedaris

“The way I saw it, if my students were willing to pretend I was a teacher, the least I could do was…

— David Sedaris

I've always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down my nose at…

— David Sedaris

I think if you write humor, then people don't - you know - they don't give you that much credit. They tend…

— David Sedaris

The walking tour guides one through the city's various landmarks, reciting bits of information the listener might find enlightening. I learned, for…

— David Sedaris

“Neither were we allowed to choose what we ate. I have a friend whose seven-year-old will only consider something if it's white.…

— David Sedaris

I don't think I'm a witty person. To me, a witty person is a funny person who is also a smart person.…

— David Sedaris

“People in trailers were canned and labeled much like the apple juice down at the plant, stamped with ingredients for all the…

— David Sedaris

“Low ceiling, stone walls, a dirt floor stamped with paw prints. I never go in without announcing myself. 'Hyaa!' I yell. 'Hyaa.…

— David Sedaris

“I often see people on the streets dressed as objects and handing out leaflets. I tend to avoid leaflets but it breaks…

— David Sedaris

“never fall asleep in a Dumpster, never underestimate a bee, never drive a convertible behind a flatbed truck, never get old, never…

— David Sedaris

“For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually, I…

— David Sedaris

“Mr. Mancini had a singular talent for making me uncomfortable. He forced me to consider things I’d rather not think about –…

— David Sedaris

“You’ve got her mad now and there’s no turning back. All she has to do is go to the authorities, saying you…

— David Sedaris

“My mother was, for the most part, delighted with my brother and regarded him with the bemused curiosity of a brood hen…

— David Sedaris

“It was generally agreed that a coffin-size studio on Avenue D was preferable to living in one of the boroughs. Moving from…

— David Sedaris

“Pandas and rain forests are never mentioned when it comes to the millions of people taking joyrides in their Range Rovers. Rather,…

— David Sedaris

“It's astonishing the amount of time that certain straight people devote to gay sex - trying to determine what goes where and…

— David Sedaris

“Cand nu aveam de munca, preferam sa dorm cat de mult puteam - undeva intre dousprezece si paisprezece ore mi se parea…

— David Sedaris

“Sex," the driver said, "Has no one ever told you about it?" I took the New York Times from my carry-on bag…

— David Sedaris

“You know you're young when someone asks you for money and you take it as a compliment.”

— David Sedaris

Usually, if I think something is really funny, it doesn't get any reaction whatsoever.

— David Sedaris

When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when…

— David Sedaris

“Sex is what you boast about when you have no exterior signs of wealth. It's a way of saying, "Look, I might…

— David Sedaris

“The woman spoke with a heavy western North Carolina accent, which I used to discredit her authority. Here was a person for…

— David Sedaris

“The autopsy took place in the morning and was the best argument for the buddy systemI had ever seen. Never live alone,…

— David Sedaris

“What's the trick to remembering that a sandwich is masculine? What qualities does it share with anyone in possession of a penis?…

— David Sedaris