Just because you got the monkey off your back doesnt mean the circus has left town. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Broadway isn't a very big career move. There's no money in it and it doesn't mean anything to your career. It's just… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When I was in seventh grade, I was caught stealing money from the visiting team's locker room during a basketball game. So… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
My money buys me the freedom not to be a member of the corporate structure. And I certainly don't feel guilty or… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Religion has convinced people that theres an invisible man ¦ Living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Someone said, and rightfully, that "property is theft'." There's no way a man can stand and tell me that he owns an… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You know what they want? They want obedient workers. Obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share
These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people. — George Carlin Copy Share
