“You need to know all this stuff, of course, because some of these new moms will lose their impacted shit on you if they catch you pouring anything other than Hawaiian volcanic water into their child’s bath. Yes, that same… — Samantha Irby Copy Share Image
“but there I was, trying to fit the ocean into a plastic cup as it tossed and turned me in its waves.” — Samantha Irby Copy Share Image
“A lot of us are living like this, right? Taking cabs and ordering takeout Thai on payday, then walking the three blocks to work… — Samantha Irby Copy Share Image
“48. Try to think positively. Can’t. Everything is garbage. 49. Stop talking (so much) shit. See above.” — Samantha Irby Copy Share Image
“Real love feels less like a throbbing, pulsing animal begging for its freedom and beating against the inside of my chest and more like,… — Samantha Irby Copy Share Image
“You know, what I really need is someone who remembers to rotate this meaty pre-corpse toward the sun every couple of days and tries… — Samantha Irby Copy Share Image
“have never—and I mean ever—had a real desire to let otherwise-unaccounted-for money just chill in my bank account unmolested for more than maybe a week and a half. I barely have the willpower to leave other people’s money alone for the short time it’s in my custody. Money that isn’t earmarked for some pressing (transportation/pharmaceutical/credit card balance) need?! Why, yes,… — Samantha Irby Copy Share
“It's so weird that adults in committed relationships have a problem with something so innocuous as flirting. I would never expect you to walk around with a paper bag over your head to avoid catching the eye of a stranger, nor would I discourage you making friendly conversation with whomever you might encounter during the day. And if you needed… — Samantha Irby Copy Share
“I am a negative person by nature, and I typically shy away from anything that requires me to be having visible fun.” — Samantha Irby Copy Share Image
“do so much shit I don’t want anyone else to see, or know about, that I never want to have to explain to another… — Samantha Irby Copy Share Image
“The Bachelorette proves that men are as petty and vapid and ridiculous as women are made to seem. They’re just better at hiding it,… — Samantha Irby Copy Share Image
“Fuck a budget. I grew up poor and now I have money, so I’m going to spend it on Chanel nail polishes. I don’t know how you can possibly have joy in your life when you do shit like “balance your checkbook” or “pay your minimum balance on time,” and if doing those awful-sounding things means I can’t see four… — Samantha Irby Copy Share
