My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell. — Robert Schimmel Copy Share Image
I was making love one night with my wife and she said: 'You're in me.' I know where I am, shut the fuck up. — Robert Schimmel Copy Share Image
I sit down with my daughter and I said, 'Do you know how babies get here?' And she said, 'Well, the lady has an… — Robert Schimmel Copy Share Image
Caution: Anal intercourse may lead to irregular heart rhythms. Yeah, you know I'm never gonna have to worry about that. Because God gave me… — Robert Schimmel Copy Share Image
I'm not ready to die. Period. To begin with, I cannot imagine a future without me in it. Can't do it. — Robert Schimmel Copy Share Image
They do sell a lot of weird things in sex shops. They have this stuff called Mr. Big Cream. It says, 'Rub it on… — Robert Schimmel Copy Share Image
I flew out here on Southwest Airlines. Southwest has a plane that's painted like Shamu the whale from Sea World. Yeah, that'll be easy… — Robert Schimmel Copy Share Image
You know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack when you're watching television. — Robert Schimmel Copy Share Image
So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: 'You know, maybe you're suffering from premature ejaculation.' Yeah, does… — Robert Schimmel Copy Share Image
It's fun to be in California. The police are kind of weird here. They ask you stupid questions. 'Do you know why I pulled… — Robert Schimmel Copy Share Image
What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it's a pit bull, you… — Robert Schimmel Copy Share Image
Because when you’re laughing, there is no other emotion in that moment except for joy. — Robert Schimmel Copy Share Image
My daughter saw this billboard for this place: 'Swim With the Dolphins.' She goes, 'I wanna do that.' I said, 'It's a lot of… — Robert Schimmel Copy Share Image
