“If love were orange, like an apple, there’d be nothing to compare it to.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
Love will wreck your heart like a derailed train. So choo-choose your partner wisely.¨ — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love is useful, and my love is for sale. (Batteries not included).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There are only two ways to love—in spite of yourself, and in spite of the restraining order.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The greatest thing in the world is love. But the worst isn’t hate, it’s ignoringance.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To become one who believes two become one, you need love in your life.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my father were Cupid, and my mother were Helen Keller, I suppose I probably would subscribe to the notion that “Love… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is a gift you receive by giving. The more love you give, the more love you get. Try it out today,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Where it was last, is the first place I’ll look, not the last place. Oh, if only love were that logical and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Learning how to love is like learning how to tie your shoes, and that’s precisely why I wear slippers.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love should be unconditional, while hair should be conditioned. Air should also be conditioned, and worn in place of hairnets.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love will make a man do some funny things, like tightrope walking across a telephone wire, rather than simply picking up the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like a rolling rock—with wheels. And legs, too! But no breaks or shoes or anal lubrication.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In my laboratory, I use science to measure love. Whatever you do, don’t drink out of beaker number two.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is two smiles shared between two people. Or two smiles and a smirk, shared between one couple and a jerk. Or… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I was in the second grade, I used to think love was the feeling a man gets while riding a motorcycle… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Being in love is like being lit on fire and having your loved one morph into a marshmallow as she runs to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love isn’t a series of slogans like “Just do it,” “It’s the real thing,” or “Go ahead, stick it in my butt.”… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love isn’t measured in feet and miles, it’s measured in hands and hands on. (Yesterday at 3:33 pm I spoke to the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love can make people do crazy things. I once saw a man streak down Blanding Blvd. with only a banana peel stapled… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is patient and love is kind. Damn! Why’d it have to be the two qualities I wasn’t born with?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Escalators are the offspring of elevators and stairs. Love is the progeny of passion and admiration.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
