Jokes Quotes · Page 63

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

— Anonymous

My mind is now so crowded with valuable information that I can't think.

— Nikhil Saluja

All his leisure clothes were absurd - jokes, really - as though leisure itself had to be ridiculed.

— Edmund White

I'm a Macintosh nut. I got my PowerBook, so if I'm not writing jokes, I'm working on that.

— Jeff Dunham

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

— Jack Benny

I named my first born child after my mother-in-law. In fact, lazy fat ass bitch turns 5 tomorrow.

— Nikhil Saluja

It's all fun and games, til someone drinks the last beer

— Anonymous

The joke is that U2's new record only looked like a virus. Enjoy mining bitcoins for me losers.

— Thom Yorke

I've always littered my songs with jokes. You might need to dig a little deeper to find the humor, but I would…

— Cass McCombs

I certainly got the jokes within the joke, dressing up in a wet suit, sitting in a Twingo, scaling a rubber mountain,…

— Pierce Brosnan

“We would not be ashamed of doing some of the things we do in private, if the number of sane human beings…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

She laughed when there was no joke. She danced when there was no music. She had no friends, yet she was the…

— Jerry Spinelli

Blank 1 Told Blank 3 something about Blank 2. Now Blank 2 Is Pissed Because Blank 3 Told On Blank 1. Now Blank 1 Want To Fight Blank 3.

— Tee Shepard

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

— Daniel Tosh

Before you joke someone,make sure he's not in a bad mood.. If so,make sure your joke would not hurt him even more..

— Sachithra

I really like comedy. There's always a choice, when you're writing: you can either go for the joke or you can go…

— David Chase

Even when I was on Curb Your Enthusiasm I wasn't this "over-the-top" crazy character. It was still kind of play it straight…

— Mekhi Phifer

I think you can be politically incorrect, but there's some responsibility with that. You've got to make sure that you are not…

— Sacha Baron Cohen

I detest jokes - when somebody tells me one, I feel my IQ dropping; the brain cells start to disappear. But something…

— Johnny Depp

Even if you get a joke right you've done it a thousand times and sometimes there's times where it just doesn't work…

— Godfrey

Jokes apart, people are constantly asking me, 'What are you doing for the industry?' When one makes a blockbuster, you plough back…

— Rohit Shetty

I feel like I'm a compassionate guy, but I also feel if somebody's grip on life or sanity is so tenuous that…

— Dan Savage

You are just jealous," Magnus remarked calmly. "Because you do not have the soul of a true artiste like myself." "Oh, I…

— Cassandra Clare

What a vast fraternity it is,--that of 'Hearts that Ache.' For the last three months it has seemed to me as though…

— Henry Adams

I was always the class clown, and very outspoken with my jokes and comments.

— Sky Blu

“The average adult hates being treated like a child, unless it suits them.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Tom did not suck my dick on a cruise while Kate Holmes ran away after Lord Xenu farted flying giraffes.

— Jeremy Limn

I do just want to do jokes. I don't want to be a divisive figure.

— Jim Gaffigan

Ladies, you are delusional if you think you can give me a hand job better than I can.

— Nikhil Saluja

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

— Woody Allen

Oh, you only live once? I had no idea, please tell me more.

— Anonymous

I always joke that I'm a British actress trying to break into Scandinavian TV.

— MyAnna Buring

I've found the recipe for happiness. Can someone just send me some money so that I can buy the ingredients?

— Scot Kennedy

Fancy restaurant: The only restaurant that serves you cold soup on purpose.

— Nikhil Saluja

There's usually nothing in a guy's joke in which we have to understand what's going on in someone else's mind.

— Robert Mankoff

I don't know any jokes, which is embarrassing. I wish I did.

— Marty Feldman

Open your eyes, close your mouth; See the flies, froze your laugh, cuz you now in dustbin

— Anonymous

That awkward moment when your friend jokingly says something about you but it secretly true.

— Anonymous

Don't Take It Seriously * When the HAIRDRESSER says, Do you want it teased or blown?

— Nikhil Saluja

I write for Reader's Digest. It's not hard. All you do is copy out an article and mail it in again.

— Milt Kamen