I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?" — Rod Schmidt Copy Share Image
To feel good about yourself, is there a quota on how many other people each day you have to condemn? — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Dont do it in the Garden, they say love is blind but ur neighbor aint. — Punkinhead Abhishek Copy Share Image
Family jokes, though rightly cursed by strangers, are the bond that keeps most families alive. — Stella Benson Copy Share Image
If life a joke then I’m waiting for the punch. You all about the beef but me, I’m bout the bun. — Mac Miller Copy Share Image
Our country's social revolution lends itself to jokes and I use them. — Nipsey Russell Copy Share Image
I joke that a person of color would never make a movie like 'Midnight in Paris.' Nostalgia isn't so enticing. — Meshell Ndegeocello Copy Share Image
I'm a professional hanger outer. I'm a super liability, too. I joke around and I'm like a hyper-active child. — Donal Logue Copy Share Image
Challenging someone is good. You need to do it. Sometimes they don't even realize you're doing it, like when you joke with… — Sidney Crosby Copy Share Image
You want eggs with your jokes or just an ass whoopin.. Kids these days think there smarter than the average bear.. But… — Kevin McCarty Copy Share Image
There have always been jokes all over our songs; I originally started writing lyrics to make my friends crack a smile, which… — Alex Turner Copy Share Image
I could become like that dyslexic agnostic in the old joke - the one who lies in bed and tries to figure… — Anne Lamott Copy Share Image
I think of myself as a writer with a sense of humour rather than a comedy writer. Happy to tell a story… — Steven Moffat Copy Share Image
We must be able to deal with ridicule and scorn, which it always seems that Buddhists receive. But we feel that it… — Frederick Lenz Copy Share Image
It's kind of low brow, but the show 'Bob's Burgers' is hilarious, and being from the Midwest, I can kind of relate… — Gracie Gold Copy Share Image
Life, like the boring drunk at the office party, keeps seeking you out, leaning on you, killing you with pointless yarns and… — Glen Duncan Copy Share Image
Clive [Oppenheimer] and I figured out that I'm the only one probably in the film industry who is clinically sane. I say… — Werner Herzog Copy Share Image
For April Fools Day, someone played a really cruel joke on me. They stole ALL my mirrors and I had to go… — James Franco Copy Share Image
Spurious prudence, making the senses final, is the god of sots and cowards, and is the subject of all comedy. It is… — Ralph Waldo Emerson Copy Share Image
I got this big fear of doing smoking jokes in my act and showing up five years from now goin' [puts mic… — Bill Hicks Copy Share Image
Comedy can be silly and gross and offensive, as long as there's sort of a point. You can make a joke that,… — Steve Coogan Copy Share Image
Son asks his father: Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there? Father answers: Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In… — Sharlene05 Copy Share Image
I live right next to a grocery store and I don't know if it's the bachelor in me, but I just go… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I remember thinking as I was doing the jokes for the first time, "If I can hear that very clearly, I'm not… — Seth Rogen Copy Share Image
French wine growers fear that this year's vintage may be entirely spoiled due to the grape treaders' sit-in. — Ronnie Corbett Copy Share Image
Sweetie, if you opened a book more times than you opened your legs,you might actually get somewhere in life. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. -- To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Who run the world girls, who run the girls boys, who fuck the girls boys boys :p — Horla Copy Share Image
I drove my expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Personally - and I don't mean to brag - my jokes have been falling flat for most of my life. — Paul Rudd Copy Share Image
Love: the sickest of Irony’s sick jokes. The place where logic and order go to die. — Christopher Moore Copy Share Image
If you can't laugh at yourself, you may be missing the colossal joke of the century. — Barry Humphries Copy Share Image
Don't make a film if it can't be the film you want to make. It's a joke, and a sick joke, and… — David Lynch Copy Share Image
I can't stand people that don't know the difference between 'your' and 'you're.' Their so stupid... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Girls: Practice makes perfect! Boys: But nobody is perfect! So, why do we need to practice?! — Sharlene05 Copy Share Image
![“Clive [Oppenheimer] and I figured out that I'm the only one probably in the film industry who is clinically sane. I say that as a joke, but there's a grain of truth to it. I'm not a stupid daredevil who jumps into the crater of the volcano to get the closest close-up, I'm not one of those. And you…” quote by Werner Herzog](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e24/werner-herzog-964_closest_clive-oppenheimer-and-i-figured-out-that_2885607.jpg)
![“I got this big fear of doing smoking jokes in my act and showing up five years from now goin' [puts mic to his neck and speaks as if he had a mechanical larynx] 'good evening everybody, remember me, smoking's bad. [puts cigarette to neck and mimics smoking it] Eeww. You ever seen somebody do that?…” quote by Bill Hicks](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8be/bill-hicks-970_bigs_i-got-this-big-fear-of-doing-smoking-jok_612628.jpg)
