Jokes Quotes · Page 61

Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself.

— Zach Galifianakis

A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, Wait, you forgot the remote!

— Anonymous

I've been banging my head against this wall for hours trying to figure out where all this blood is coming from!

— Nikhil Saluja

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.

— Mitch Hedberg

It's only happy hour if a hot girl is sharing your drinks. Otherwise it's just drowning your misery.

— Nikhil Saluja

With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like... love!

— Nikhil Saluja

6 am: tired 9 am: tired 11 am: tired 3 pm: tired 5 pm: tired 7 pm: tired 9 pm: tired bed time: ENNNNEERRGGYY

— Kevin McCarty

I want to be remembered for my poop jokes. Those are the most important kind.

— Eric Andre

If you find you are not understanding my explaination for a joke, hit F5 on your browser and the page will refresh…

— Ryan North

I don't know how to write jokes from the point of view of a six-foot-two guy. So, I'll always talk about it,…

— Brad Williams

The mind may be reluctant to think properly when thinking is all it is supposed to do; the task can be as…

— Alain de Botton

I never knew you could offend someone by masturbating. This couple just opened their closet and they look really pissed.

— Nikhil Saluja

It's interesting to have the awkward moments play out, and the real human interactions. The more you cut that down, you lose…

— Nicholas Stoller

I guess the subject of race is so natural to me I never think of it as hefty. It's something I talk…

— Danzy Senna

When we can't laugh again and again on the same joke... there's no point crying again and again for the same pain.

— Anonymous

Half of the time I don't know what they're talking about; their jokes seem to relate to a past that everyone but…

— Jean Webster

We’re built to deal with death, disease, failure, struggle, heartbreak, problems. It’s what separates us from the animals and why we envy…

— Marc Maron

I was so amazingly witty when I had the No. 1 movie, you have no idea. People laughed at every single one…

— Rebecca De Mornay

First of all, I don't think of myself as a northern Michigan writer. I think of myself as an American writer who…

— Jack Driscoll

We first got marijuana from an older drummer with another group in Liverpool. We didn't actually try it until after we'd been…

— George Harrison

Science, the largest religion of the twentieth century, had become tarnished by images of exploding space shuttles, crack babies, and a generation…

— Jim Butcher

I know it's the comedian's instinct to say, "Do it, man, nothing's off-limits! It's cool, bro!" I don't know if that's the…

— Bo Burnham

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it…

— Anonymous

No wonder we cannot appreciate the really central Kafka joke: that the horrific struggle to establish a human self results in a…

— David Foster Wallace

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

— Tim Vine

I went to see my doctor with a nasty pain in the ass. Turns out he's already met my wife.

— Nikhil Saluja

All the jokes in my films, the comedy, they're not me, I just try to hold a big mirror up to us.

— Yahoo Serious

Teacher: name four member of the cat family/ pupil:dady cat;momy cat;and two kittens :D

— Anonymous

Taking a call girl to an STD fair... there's a joke here.

— Donald Glover

I've got a very poor sense of direction. I keep forgetting which way is forwards.

— Geoffrey Parfitt

I grew up in the projects. You have no choice but to fight. My jokes used to get me in fights.

— Marlon Wayans

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada: Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

— Nikhil Saluja

When you're an older woman [in a movie] you tend to be in - how did you put it? You're the brunt…

— Jane Fonda

For jokes as well as justice come in with speech. - Aslan, The Magician's Nephew

— Anonymous

How to sleep faster, decorate your bedroom to look like a classroom

— Anonymous

My penis should make me breakfast on morning. It is always up before I am.

— Anonymous

I hate those movies where hundreds of people get blown up and there are jokes afterward. They poison the soul.

— Rob Reiner

Your pregnant is the only AprilFool joke you women got? Find a new joke cause that been played out years ago

— Deon Crockett

God made woman and the other day he made beer because he was like holy fuck, sorry bro.

— Nikhil Saluja

I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.

— Jim Gaffigan