Jokes Quotes · Page 65

I've always wondered, what am I going to do that's important with these stupid jokes that I tell.

— Ray Romano

Guides cannot master the subtleties of the American joke.

— Mark Twain

I just need a search engine that'll remember exactly what I was about to Google when I forget.

— Nikhil Saluja

A dentist and a manicurist married. .. . . They fought tooth and nail.

— Nikhil Saluja

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?

— Anonymous

The hardest thing about new friendships is to try to figure out the boundary for jokes

— Ritu Ghatourey

Life's full of difficult choices…Call her back?...or Call of Duty?…decisions, decisions.

— Arjun Loveable

You should make a point of trying every experience once, excepting incest and folk-dancing.

— Anonymous

“Our world will not die as a result of the bomb, as the papers say, it will die of laughter, of banality, of making…

— Carlos Ruiz Zafon

Twitter taught me how to become better at writing jokes because it forces you to chip away at all the extraneous words.

— Peter Serafinowicz

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real…

— Jack Handey

I understand what a normal political speech is. You get up there, tell a few jokes, you have the flags behind you,…

— Bernie Sanders

What I usually do is tell funny stories from the road, many of which are, of course, unprintable. But I don't actually…

— Howard Dean

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking…

— Steven Wright

When I'm writing columns, it's - all I'm thinking about is jokes, joke, joke, joke, setup, punch line, joke, joke, joke. And…

— Dave Barry

Kissing at the top, holding at the middle fire at the bottom. Do you know what is it? What ? Don't think…

— Pacifiersucker

The only basis for even talking about global warming is the predictions spewed out by computer models. The only quote/unquote "evidence" of…

— Rush Limbaugh

Boy: Hi Girl: What? Boy: How are you? Girl: Do I know you? Boy: I'm rich.. Girl: Oh! Hi. My name is…

— Anonymous

I'm fascinated by mankind. I grew up watching 'Candid Camera' and thought it was funnier than any standup, any joke, anything that…

— Howie Mandel

Or if I truly gave up I could be like Wet Lindsay. When Robbie dumped her she got all pale and even…

— Louise Rennison

Listen. Look. Desire is a house. Desire needs closed space. Desire runs out of doors or windows, or slats or pinpricks, it…

— Aimee Bender

Listen: People are always saying, 'Rickey says Rickey.' But it's been blown way out of proportion. People might catch me, when they…

— Rickey Henderson

I had really not been out of the United States much, except for Mexico. I thought, "Jesus Christ, this [Russia] is like…

— P. J. O'Rourke

One of the things that got me thinking during therapy is that they say that fear is only thoughts, and nothing will…

— Lars von Trier

Yo mama is so hairy, she went to the zoo and the zookeeper said, Hey! We got a loose gorilla!

— Anonymous

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

— Rodney Dangerfield

A lot of comics just joke around, but it's just as important to get the truth out there.

— Lisa Lampanelli

My Instagram got deleted a lot of times. I used to do rough jokes and curse a lot.

— Cardi B

Beijing residents joke that to get a free smoke all they have to do is open their windows!

— Lee Hsien Loong

“Being bigheaded can be as irritating and as dangerous as being small-minded.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Dear Google: They are only using you to get to me! Sincerely Wikipedia

— Anonymous

Call me Meier," Goring said, but he did not pause to explain the joke .

— Philip Jose Farmer

Jokes are always better than promises. Because jokes are half meant, while promises are half lies.

— Anonymous

I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don't want to get audited by the IRS.

— Jay Leno

As a comedian, frankly, I don't care that much about bad jokes.

— Dave Rubin

There were many times when I kept silent about being Jewish as I got older, when Jewish jokes were told.

— William Shatner

Tell people the truth, they laugh. The truth is so tragic they have to pretend it's a joke.

— Lucille Kallen

Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.

— Dave Attell

“The best jokes in life, are the lies that have come out of your mouth”

— Melinda

I scream, you scream, both of us scream because we are being murdered while eating ice cream.

— Nikhil Saluja