Jokes Quotes · Page 45

Between 3 and 80, Man is like North Korea: Ruled by nuts'

— Nikhil Saluja

I think jokes can actually go to places that drama can't.

— Robert Webb

Some people are so dry that you might soak them in a joke for a month and it would not get through…

— Henry Ward Beecher

There are just some things that I don't think jokes are good for.

— Jim Norton

We have to joke about it because the alternative is to be scared

— Suzanne Collins

If you can make it sound exciting with a joke drum machine, you know you've got something.

— Jeff Beck

Conference: One man's confusion multiplied by the number of people there.

— Nikhil Saluja

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

— Anonymous

I'm not used to be the adult. I'm not very good at being the adult. To some regard, I wanted to just…

— Jamie Linden

“There would definitely be way fewer instances of cheating, if the average couple did not have sex only when the woman feels…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I think that the joke and the ghost story both have a similar set up in that you kind of set something…

— Simon Pegg

“Shakespeare drew a map of the human mind as clearly as Newton mapped the heavens. Wht is one considered science and the…

— Sebastian Faulks

I like when people are trapped in the joke, when there's no escape. I like to lead people down the wrong path…

— Paul Mooney

I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those…

— Daniel Tosh

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, Please send me a sister. Santa Clause wrote him back, Ok, send me…

— Anonymous

All the truly great stand-ups say, 'I go onstage, and I work on jokes. The inspiration will happen while I'm doing my…

— Patton Oswalt

With Congress and the S.E.C. so heavily peopled by lawyers, and with lawyers having been so heavily involved in drafting financial disclosure…

— Charlie Munger

Honey, Kate is not going to die sooner because you have one more glass of mine, or because you stay overnight in…

— Jodi Picoult

I'm going to keep talking about what I think is interesting for my entire career. If you want to hear about how…

— David Cross

Somebody who opposes Trump is wound so tight, they're not funny people anyway, that they don't get his humor. They really believe…

— Rush Limbaugh

That's the great thing about New Year's, you get to be a year older. For me, that wasn't such a joke, because…

— Alan King

Humor is widely used by Indians to deal with life. Indian gatherings are marked by laughter and jokes, many directed at the…

— Paula Gunn Allen

The worst was I had little control in terms of smoothing out my questions and making myself look good the way I…

— Jancee Dunn

Americans, too many of them, take themselves too seriously. You're going to get rapped - by the viewers, by the sponsors and…

— Johnny Carson

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain: Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

— Nikhil Saluja

I'm Irish, so I'm messing all the time. Which means, I'm having a laugh. I'm always making jokes.

— Saoirse Ronan

Nothing's a joke with me. It just all comes out like one.

— Lorrie Moore

My son jokes with me that he thinks I Google the word 'sad' to come up with book ideas.

— Patricia McCormick

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

— Felipe Esparza

I always joke that every novel is really about the same thing: one person's struggle against society.

— Joshua Mohr

Three Things to Prevent... Laziness, Falsehood and Slander.

— Nikhil Saluja

I thought everybody was in on the joke. But I was the joke.

— Billie Joe Armstrong

If you separate the whites and the colored clothes during laundry, you're a racist.

— Nikhil Saluja

I suppose every time [something bad happens], I have that instinct to make that joke that distracts.

— Phoebe Waller-Bridge

I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Easy, easy - Hmmm. I think I need a bigger drill.

— Nikhil Saluja

I drank so much beer that I feel like I can ejaculate a unicorn in full sprint.

— Nikhil Saluja

If I should ever die, God forbid, I hope you will say, 'Kurt is up in heaven now.' That's my favorite joke.

— Kurt Vonnegut

A joke without a point, inane and bald, itself a joke on joking may be called

— Menander Of Athens

I did a club one night - the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white.

— J. B. Smoove

This is why Jessica Biel is a successful actress: because, despite the punchlines, you know how to tell a joke.

— Raphael Bob-Waksberg