Jokes Quotes · Page 40

Me and my girlfriend are so different, I exist but she doesn't

— Anonymous

I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.

— Daniel Tosh

I'm well aware when i've to use suck me or fuck me. Yea I'm classy like that!

— Nikhil Saluja

I don't like the pressure to try to tell the best jokes. I'm not good at jokes.

— Will Forte

Happy April 1st everyone! May your day be filled with obnoxious practical jokes.

— Anonymous

“Please believe me. I've nothing against you personally. It's just that I laugh at all jokes.”

— Fakeer Ishavardas

I've got foundation jokes, the ones that got me where I am, so everything I do just builds on top of that.

— Gabriel Iglesias

If people get their feelings hurt from jokes, then they are too delicate to be in society.

— Ralphie May

There's [John Mulaney Show] jokes that I have in stand up that I wouldn't try to put in, I would try to…

— John Mulaney

Power is nothing without a rock solid core. Pilates is the key to activating it...guys don't be fooled just 'cause women do…

— DeMarcus Ware

Writing your own jokes, you just kind of keep working on something until you think it might work, and then you try…

— Aziz Ansari

When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them.

— Paul Merton

I'm not the type of guy who's funny in the room. I'm the guy who's funny late at night on a computer,…

— Scott Aukerman

A comedy can actually get funnier and funnier. Even though you know the joke, you enjoy it so much, it's the facial…

— Eli Roth

There were two things I used to do to seduce girls: jokes and music. Since I'm not a great pianist, jokes were…

— Gad Elmaleh

You might like it as a joke or because you liked it then, but there isn't a whole new generation discovering Wham!.

— Rob Zombie

“Finally, my watchers had to fess up. In embarrassed and genuinely polite tones, they said they had no other choice but to…

— Rudolph Herzog

I think a huge amount of it is because of the Internet. Every single thing in the world is accessible with a…

— David Schwimmer

The power of women! I've never felt so full of mysterious power. Men are a joke. We're so weak physically, so helpless…

— John Fowles

I sometimes joke that I am the first writer of historical fiction who can look out his window and point to the…

— Orhan Pamuk

My brother Billy was the joke teller. My brother Jim had a really sharp, cutting wit. And the teller of long stories,…

— Stephen Colbert

Don't talk like one of them. You're not! Even if you'd like to be. To them, you're just a freak, like me!…

— Anonymous

Ed Woolard, his mentor on the Apple board, pressed Jobs for more than two years to drop the interim in front of…

— Walter Isaacson

All the time the joke is that the word "mine" in its fully possessive sense cannot be uttered by a human being…

— C. S. Lewis

Mathematics is a collection of cheap tricks and dirty jokes.

— Lipman Bers

Almost every venerable tradition at a men's club starts out as a joke.

— Joe Bob Briggs

People have lost their sense of humor. In former times, we constantly made jokes about different races.

— Clint Eastwood

I make jokes because humor is the greatest healing factor that there is.

— Dick Dale

“It was a joke to the extent in the context of the views that speech.”

— Herman Cain

My family joke that I'm really a very senior person who accidentally happens to be 11.

— Adora Svitak

There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

— Nikhil Saluja

A joke that works is complete knowledge in a nanosecond…

— Steve Martin

I'm really bad with jokes. I would have to say Limp Bizkit.

— Brian Molko

Math and alcohol don't mix. Please don't drink and derive.

— Pacifiersucker

I've never had a proper job. I do jokes about not knowing the value of money, about having a famous dad.

— Tom Rosenthal

I got expelled from school on pajama day…But its not my fault I sleep naked.

— Anonymous

If you keep making jokes like that, somebody is going to shoot you, father.

— Mary Todd Lincoln

There's no harm in talking to yourself, but try to avoid telling yourself jokes you've heard before.

— Ashleigh Brilliant

Some subjects are so serious that one can only joke about them.

— Niels Bohr

I just wanted an unspecific location not to have google map sex.

— Jeremy Limn