Jokes Quotes · Page 39

I'm sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

— Alice Walker

Every time there's a cut in the action, we joke and dance around, there's show tunes and fart noises.

— Darby Stanchfield

“Jokes don't matter… til the performance... if the performance is horrible so do and jokes.”

— Deyth Banger

Let's never be stupid again. WAIT! Lets always be stupid! Forever!

— Ramandeep Singh

We need to get rid of the Federal Elections Commission. It's a joke. It doesn't enforce the law.

— Russ Feingold

The girl-next-door image is a sort of joke; for years, I couldnt get any roles other than as somebody dark.

— Felicity Kendal

My mother-in-law was so mean she blinded herself just to get a free dog.

— Gary Delaney

I like to crack the jokes now and again, but it's only because I struggle with math.

— Tina Fey

“You didn’t put up a protective shield?” “The shields I found on the Internet involved human sacrifice and down payment of my…

— A. Kirk

I stand above the tree level I am a tree I catch wind storm breaths My branches claw I drink sky It…

— Marie Ponsot

I like to smile a lot before going in the car. I make jokes, even on the grid, and then I can…

— Romain Grosjean

Why do single girls take advice from other single girls? That's like ray charles giving stevie wonder driving directions.

— Anonymous

I'd much rather be on stage talking to a couple of retards for twenty bucks than sitting at my desk thinking up…

— Larry David

I had a show that people thought used a laugh track. It wasn't; it was the real audience going crazy after everything…

— Norm MacDonald

There's a lot of hypocrisy in audiences. I'd never dream of telling even on a nightclub stage, let alone my show, some…

— Johnny Carson

Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish…

— Anonymous

Comics who grew up surviving their childhood by being able to be the first one to make the joke about their weight…

— Sarah Silverman

There is no reason why a joke should not be appreciated more than once. Imagine how little good music there would be…

— A. P. Herbert

When NASA first started sending astronauts up, they quicky discovered that ball pens won't work in zero gravity. . To overcome this…

— VincentGangte

On 'Late Night,' it's like we're all in on the joke. That's what I wanted it to be. I'm not doing something…

— Jimmy Fallon

They mustn't know my despair, I can't let them see the wounds which they have caused, I couldn't bear their sympathy and…

— Anne Frank

I always wanted to strip. I'm sort of one of those people who would walk past a strip club and while everybody…

— Diablo Cody

“[...] Mom’s not keeping me out because it’s a dead friend, she’s keeping me out because it’s a dead sixteen-year-old girl with…

— Dan Wells

Like I said, a sketch is one joke. They shouldn't really be more than a minute, two minutes. There are some shows…

— Eric Andre

We feel that what's too far is when you make a joke and somebody gets hurt.

— Bobby Farrelly

The next best thing to a very good joke is a very bad one.

— Julius Charles Hare

Cartooning is about deconstruction: you gotta tear something down to make a joke.

— Berkeley Breathed

FACT: Kissing burns 5.4 calories a minute¦¦ Ummm, wanna work out?

— Anonymous

Why does the SPACE BAR make a louder noise than the rest ?

— Anonymous

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.

— Daniel Tosh

I wanted to change the world . But I could not even change my underwear.

— John Grant

Jokes are generally honest. Complete solemnity is always dishonest.

— Gilbert K. Chesterton

Why do dogs love their daily walks? They get to check their p-mail!

— Nikhil Saluja

I've always been terrible on regular sitcoms with lots of jokes. I don't know how to tell jokes.

— Rainn Wilson

“I decided then and there never to become someone who told jokes when explanations were impossible.”

— Jonathan Safran Foer

Actually, I've been making jokes about the little bones in my hands; they can't handle my own power.

— Raquel Pennington

My background is part of my comedy. Your experiences are where the jokes come from.

— Charlie Murphy

He'll never be better than he is on the first date. Unless he's rich and hasn't told you yet.

— Nikhil Saluja

Facts are meaningless - you could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!

— Nikhil Saluja

I always joke with people that having nephews is the best birth control there is.

— Tahj Mowry