I'm not an artist. I tell inappropriate stories and jokes and I try to make people laugh. — Kathy Griffin Copy Share Image
The world is a very serious and, at times, very sad place - but at other times it is all such a… — George Harrison Copy Share Image
Just because you say Swag in every other sentence doesn't mean you have it. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod? — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
“in this society, things you’d think could only be bad jokes actually happen all the time.” — Banana Yoshimoto Copy Share Image
The joke in aviation is, 'If you want to make a million, you'd better start with £10m.' — Bruce Dickinson Copy Share Image
Education is incomplete without 5 B's B - Bikes B - Beers B - Babes B - Bunks and the most important… — Vinesh Copy Share Image
It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
It's like love making, the foreplay is the biggest part, the same thing as comedy. If you can frame your show in… — Tommy Chong Copy Share Image
When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm not the type that would ask for a number or ask him on a date, but I have approached a guy.… — Jhene Aiko Copy Share Image
You see a lot of sketch variety shows where each segment is one joke that they repeat over and over and over… — Eric Andre Copy Share Image
The best joke-tellers are those who have the patience to wait for conversation to come around to the point where the jokes… — Joseph Epstein Copy Share Image
I'm obsessed with coffee. My doctor says if I don't cut back, I am going to permanently damage my esophagus. No joke. — Matthew Gray Gubler Copy Share Image
Modern Christians, especially those in the Western world, have generally been found wanting in the area of holiness of body. Gluttony and… — Jerry Bridges Copy Share Image
The British often shy away from any cinematic interpretation of real sex. They sometimes have what I call "subtle sex," which is… — Steve Coogan Copy Share Image
In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void… — Les Dawson Copy Share Image
They all think any minute I'm going to commit suicide. What a joke. The truth of course is the exact opposite: suicide… — Walker Percy Copy Share Image
“One day you’re going to see her holding hands with someone who took your chance. She won’t even notice you because she’s… — Elisabeth Van den Abeele Copy Share Image
They tell us that we live in a great free republic; that our institutions are democratic; that we are a free and… — Eugene V. Debs Copy Share Image
I know 9 things about you right now. 1. You are reading this. 2. You are human. 3. You can't say the… — Zak Copy Share Image
Clary screamed out loud as he fell like a stone- And landed lightly on his feet just in front of her. Clary… — Cassandra Clare Copy Share Image
I realize how desperate it sounds for me, as a comedian, to ask you to laugh at my jokes. — John Oliver Copy Share Image
A woman never knows what she really wants until she finds out what her husband cannot afford. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Because, as we are told—a sad old joke, too— Ghosts, like the ladies, never speak till spoke to. — Bill Vaughan Copy Share Image
There is no 'magic water' that you can rub on a script to make the jokes funnier. — Graham Linehan Copy Share Image
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with So this one time I was eating a salad — Persia Copy Share Image
I think it's important to have a good sense of humor and joke around with your kids. That's what I do a… — Stanley Tucci Copy Share Image
There are a lot of clubs that are like, 'Don't do political jokes because it incites a lot of heckling.' — Michelle Buteau Copy Share Image
The people that become the biggest jokes are people who do not change. They stay the way they were in the past. — Corey Feldman Copy Share Image
My girlfriend told me I'm awful in bed. I don't know how she can tell in 30 seconds. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Sometimes you just have to sit down and ask your parents if they sold your soul. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Nothing reveals a man's character better than the kind of joke at which he takes offense. — Georg C. Lichtenberg Copy Share Image
He was saying that the end of the world wasn't an accident; it was a joke. — Holly Black Copy Share Image
