Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The hardest thing about new friendships is to try to figure out the boundary for jokes — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
It would be a bitter cosmic joke if we destroy ourselves due to atrophy of the imagination. — Martha Gellhorn Copy Share Image
I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I'll be 56 this year, I've got two kids, and I think it's probably time to go back to writing one-glove jokes. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
A dentist and a manicurist married. .. . . They fought tooth and nail. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I always was an early-morning or late-night writer. Early morning was my favorite; late night was because you had a deadline. And… — Joss Whedon Copy Share Image
Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opened wider, go… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Comedy is what happens when you cross the dateline from the unbearable. Things become so unbearable they become a joke. — Robyn Hitchcock Copy Share Image
The Internet kept the joke going. Abevigoda.com was devoted to updating the actor's status, as was @AbeVigodaUpdate, a Twitter account. — Audie Cornish Copy Share Image
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now, and we don't know where the hell she is. — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
I'm proud to say I'm the only Slaughterhouse member who has not rewritten a verse yet, and that's the ongoing joke in… — Joe Budden Copy Share Image
There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
“The historical record contradicts the assumption that the Nazis sentenced large numbers of people to death during World War II for telling… — Rudolph Herzog Copy Share Image
Candice is the original spelling of my name. I changed it to Kandyse when I was really young and first starting out… — Kandyse McClure Copy Share Image
Pardew has come out and criticized me. He is the worst at haranguing referees. He shoves them and makes a joke of… — Alex Ferguson Copy Share Image
Prince Harry is a great guy, very competitive; he's been playing polo all his life. Riding is in his blood. His grandmother… — Nacho Figueras Copy Share Image
When you do see me, you'll get the idea from when you see me that it's all off the top of my… — Don Rickles Copy Share Image
Mr. Crossley suddenly wondered why he was why he was worrying about the note. It was only a joke, after all. He… — Diana Wynne Jones Copy Share Image
I was very shy as a kid but when I found out I could perform and have people's attention everything changed for… — Justin Timberlake Copy Share Image
He looked gravely at the king. "It isn't an easy thing to give your loyalty to someone you don't know, especially when… — Megan Whalen Turner Copy Share Image
