Roseanne Barr

Self-esteem is the goddamn root of all evil.

— Roseanne Barr

We're not meant to be parents when we're 50.

— Roseanne Barr

My real life is funnier than anything on TV.

— Roseanne Barr

I have more money than God, but not as much as Oprah.

— Roseanne Barr

It's the Night of the Living Dead. It's scary out here.

— Roseanne Barr

Being nuts is its own reward.

— Roseanne Barr

I am an observant Jew! Now my secret is out.

— Roseanne Barr

Your body is your instrument, you play it expertly.

— Roseanne Barr

If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.

— Roseanne Barr

I loved comedy all my life. I think it's a real powerful art form.

— Roseanne Barr

The thing women have got to learn is that nobody gives you power. You just take it.

— Roseanne Barr

A lot of times nerds are really artists listening to the beat of another drummer.

— Roseanne Barr

Everything here must be done twice as no one can do it right the first time.

— Roseanne Barr

I'm so much more famous than I am financially successful.

— Roseanne Barr

I figure if the kids are alive at the end of the day, I've done my job.

— Roseanne Barr

There isn't any New Man. The New Man is the old man, only he whines more.

— Roseanne Barr

I signed a deal with Satan because I wanted to get famous. Then I forgot I had a deal with Satan and…

— Roseanne Barr

I'm funnier now because I'm braver and less full of hate, so everything is even more ridiculous than it was before.

— Roseanne Barr

I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes, you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in…

— Roseanne Barr

You know when you first get rich, and you, like, just buy everything that you see? I did that for several years.…

— Roseanne Barr

The one who cares the most wins. ... That's how I knew I'd end up with everyone else waving the white flags…

— Roseanne Barr

A lot of men are impotent and it's very sad. How many of you are impotent? I see. Can't get your arms…

— Roseanne Barr

I've never done anything for money, and that is why I got money. When you do stuff for money, you never get…

— Roseanne Barr

Nobody wanted the 'Roseanne' show. I heard from agents that there was no interest in a show about a fat woman and…

— Roseanne Barr

Humanity is a failed experiment, but I think I'm God and I'd like to start over. I don't want to die, I…

— Roseanne Barr

I'm tired of watching as men destroy all the world. Everything used to be beautiful when women were in charge, and now…

— Roseanne Barr

Eat as much as you'd like. My philosophy has always been that all women desire to be as fat as myself but…

— Roseanne Barr

I used to play Barbies with my Mormon neighbor friend; it was always, "Oh, we're going to go on a date. Ken's…

— Roseanne Barr

Whatever helps you sleep is my opinion on the subject, and that's what I like about the western world's most popular religion,…

— Roseanne Barr

Legalize hemp and allow women to grow it and make food, clothing and housing for pennies from it and legalize marijuana too.…

— Roseanne Barr

TV family sitcoms have always been about fathers who know best and mothers who are so enchanted with everything they do. I…

— Roseanne Barr

I had - after I sang the 'Star Spangled Banner' so badly, after my tragic singing accident, after that, you know, all…

— Roseanne Barr

“This producer was a woman, a type I became acquainted with at the beginning of my stand-up career in Denver. I cared…

— Roseanne Barr

Those who can't do, teach. And, as Woody Allen says, those who can't teach, teach gym. And, as I say, those who…

— Roseanne Barr

Women are cursed, and men are the proof.

— Roseanne Barr

I call myself a 'domestic goddess.

— Roseanne Barr

Truth is available to the ears that can hear it.

— Roseanne Barr

I'm God because I have the power to control my mind.

— Roseanne Barr

Excuse the mess but we live here.

— Roseanne Barr

I know how to do anything, I'm a mom.

— Roseanne Barr