Joke Quotes · Page 28

Can you tie a knot? I cannot. So you can knot? No, I cannot knot. Not knot? Who's there? Fuck off!!..

— Anonymous

“Get in my lap and let me show you.” “Is this a joke?” “Am I laughing?”

— Whitney Gracia Williams

No Barstool writer has ever said or written one thing out of hate or anger. It's always to get a joke.

— Dave Portnoy

When I write, I create really absurd situations which become false because I am after the joke.

— Sally Phillips

I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.

— Bob Saget

There's always that little bit of tension that happens when you make a joke, especially when there's a language barrier.

— Desi Lydic

There was the joke about Switzerland being an island surrounded by land. This was never true.

— Samuel Schmid

There is a joke that your hammer will always find nails to hit. I find that perfectly acceptable

— Benoit Mandelbrot

Women often try too hard to say what they think a man wants to hear, to like what he likes, to laugh…

— Matthew Hussey

There was a girl who loved a boy so much she said to the boy,if I told u that I liked u,would…

— Ritu Ghatourey

There is nothing worse than finding out your girlfriend is HIV positive when your wife is capable of ending your life, or…

— Barack Obama

With music there's so many limbs and facets. Video and touring and merchandise and all those little things require attention. They're artist…

— Devendra Banhart

I think the BJP is a joke. It is a party of semi-literates and has fascist tendencies. Such a party can never…

— Subramanian Swamy

“Because here’s another sneaky little truth about life. You can’t be an important and life-changing presence for some people without also being…

— Mark Manson

You don't really get it from NASCAR that they want you to be the bad guy or the good guy. They'll kind…

— Kyle Busch

As an actor, your life is constant ups and downs. My friends and I joke that when a job ends and nothing…

— Ari Graynor

I'm straight and always have been. When our family gets together, we joke about it or throw our hands up in desperation…

— Albert II, Prince of Monaco

“I started studying law, but this I could stand just for one semester. I couldn't stand more. Then I studied languages and…

— George Pólya

I had big teeth, and I was goofy. I probably used to mess with people too much. People were always trying to…

— Lamorne Morris

Basically, we used to have a rule at 'Saturday Night Live' that you're not allowed to bring up 'The Simpsons' at the…

— Adam McKay

“I recall the story of the philosopher and the theologian... The two were engaged in disputation and the theologian used the old…

— Julian Huxley

You know, I liken it to - when you write a joke for somebody else, it's like you - you know, like…

— Neal Brennan

I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely…

— Steven Wright

I keep on repeating something told to me by an American psychologist: "When you are making a joke about someone and you…

— Tariq Ramadan

Women. Can't live with them, can't finish this joke without having sex with them & then later sleep on couch.

— Nikhil Saluja

A joke is a way to say, 'I'm going to do something funny now. If I don't get a laugh at the…

— Penn Jillette

When I did 'Spamalot,' the joke was that I was a foot taller than Tim Curry.

— Hannah Waddingham

You're 37yrs old and you've not met your papa!!! All thank to your mama.

— Adaeze Agbai

Death meant little to me. It was the last joke in a series of bad jokes.

— Charles Bukowski

I've heard every pie joke in the book. I'm still waiting for an original one.

— Jason Biggs

Being broke is a joke, I never found it funny / That’s why I count my blessings / As much as I…

— Fabolous

The joke we always say is that WWE doesn't pay us to wrestle, they pay us to travel.

— Seth Rollins

When See A Quaote About Fat Peaple It Says 908 up's and 263 down's. So That Means That 263 Fat Peaple Doesn't Like The Joke.

— Anonymous

Haters are a joke..Because they begin with ha so I laugh at them

— Becca Smail

My reputation as a ladies' man was a joke. It caused me to laugh bitterly through the 10,000 nights I spent alone.

— Leonard Cohen

If I can write a joke about something that happened that was awful, it's like OK that happened and I have this…

— Taylor Tomlinson

The producers want us to sell, sell, sell. That's my little joke. That's what we do by day; by night, we're artists.

— Mike Nichols

“Mystery is the face everybody shared before they were born and the joke they'll finally get after they're dead.”

— Tom Robbins

I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

— Dave Attell

Humor is based on surprise, and surprise is a milder way of saying shock. It's surprise that makes the joke.

— George Carlin